I used to be a carpenter until I accidentally sat on my hammer, now I have hammeroids.

If iron man and the silver surfer team up, they’ll be alloys

It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do

What’s an epileptics favourite food? Seizure salad

My colleague can no longer attend next weeks Innuendo Seminar so I have to fill her slot instead.

What do you call a guy no arms no legs in the mail box? Bill.

My wife told me “Sex is better on holiday”.
Worst postcard ever.

I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It’s Hans free

Why does a chicken coop have 2 doors?

Because if it had 4 doors it would be called chicken sedan.

Why can’t you take inventory in Afghanistan?
Because of the tally ban

What do you call a bee with a low buzz?
A mumblebee

What’s the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts?
Beer nuts are a $1.75, but deer nuts are under a buck.

Police are looking for a guy who threatens his victims with a lit match.
They need to catch him before he strikes again

What kind of train eats a lot?
A chew chew train

Why did the old man fall in the well? Because he couldn’t see that well.

I met my wife at an Arthritis support meeting.
You know when two people just click.

I’m the kind of guy who stops the microwave at 1 second just to feel like a bomb defuser.

I was watching a marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: ‘This could be interesting’

Did you hear about the short-sighted circumciser?
He got the sack