Behind every angry woman is man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

What is Bruce Lee’s favourite drink? Wataaaaahh!

Light travels faster than sound. That’s why some people appear quite bright – until you hear them talk.

I have only seen people underwhelmed or overwhelmed, never whelmed properly.

I can cut down a tree just by looking at it. It’s true. I saw it with my own eyes

What happened to the cannibal that was late to dinner?
He was given the cold shoulder

You know what often gets overlooked? Fences.

How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
You look for the fresh prints

I was watching a marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: ‘This could be interesting’

My honey farmer friend has a thing for big butts. I suppose Booty is in the eye of the bee-holder.

I had the most amazing orange the other day

It was a class above the zest

What’s the importance of capitalization? You can either help your Uncle Jack off a horse or help your uncle jack off a horse

My wife was in labor with our first child when suddenly she began to shout, “Shouldn’t, couldn’t, wouldn’t, didn’t, can’t!”

“Doc, what’s wrong with my wife?” I asked.

“Nothing” he said. “She’s just having contractions.”

I’m here for whatever you need me to do… from the couch.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.
not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

I eat my tacos over a Tortilla. That way when stuff falls out, BOOM, another taco.