#758

Why did the birdie go to the hospital? He needed a tweetment

#427

Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
It got stuck in a crack

#35

Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.

#482

When an employment application asks who is to be notified in case of emergency, I always write, “A very good doctor”

#569

I Renamed my iPod The Titanic, so when I plug it in, it says, “The Titanic is syncing”

#307

It’d be frustrating if you seriously couldn’t find your friend Marco at a crowded swimming pool.

#323

My wife says I’m hopeless at fixing appliances. Well, she’s in for a shock!

#44

A man was admitted to hospital with a number of toy horses up his backside. His condition is now stable.

#13

My son wanted to know what it’s like to be married. I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.

#95

Your mum is so mean, she has no standard deviation
πŸ€“

#512

If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup technically a smoothie?

#640

My dad was dyslexic. Whenever I swore when growing up, he’d wash my mouth out with soup.

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