How many Emo kids does it take to change a light bulb? None, they all sit in the dark and cry

A courtroom artist was arrested today for an unknown reason… details are sketchy.

Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
It got stuck in a crack

My neighbor is in the Guinness World Records. He has had 44 concussions. He lives very close to me. A stone’s throw away, in fact.

How does an evil cow laugh? Moohaha

My deaf girlfriend was talking in her sleep last night. She nearly took my eye out.

What do PCs and air conditioners have in common?
They both become useless when you open windows

I would give my right arm to be ambidextrous!

Got a universal remote for Father’s Day.
This changes everything!

I met a one-legged woman outside of a club the other day. She was a bouncer.

Why don’t flies go to church?
Because they’re in sects

I bought a cuckoo clock at an army disposals store. Last night at ten o’clock the bird chirped 2200 times.

Thank you, my arms, for always being there by my side.

What do you call a guy with a car on his head?
Jack

What do you call a gay milkman? A Dairy Queen

My cousin drowned. At his funeral we laid a life jacket on his coffin.
It’s what he would have wanted.

What do you call a lady with one leg?
Eileen

A Russian spy, a sexual predator, and a billionaire walk into a bar. The bartender says, “What can I get you, Mr. President?”

What’s brown and sounds like a bell? Dung!