Did you hear about the short-sighted circumciser?
He got the sack

An SEO guy walks into a bar, pub, inn, tavern, hotel, public house, brew house, beer hall, bodega, izakaya

Doing things that you are not supposed to do at work makes your vision, hearing and alertness much better.

My first day on the job at an IKEA store, I was told by my boss that employees needed to go to the meeting room before every shift. I asked why. He said, “Assembly required.”

If you spent your day in a well, can you say your day was well-spent?

I may not be getting lucky tonight, but I’m definitely banging my snooze button in the morning.

My ex-wife is standing at the opposite end of the museum from me. I want to say hello but there’s just too much history between us.

Did you know I was bilingual? Yeah I speak English and profanity

What do you call a guy with a rabbit up his butt?
Warren

Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.

You used asbestos in that wall?
That was asbestos I could do.

I named my hard drive “dat ass” so once a month my computer asks if I want to back dat ass up

There are 2 rules for success:
1. Don’t tell all you know.

I didn’t like my beard at first but then it grew on me.

My wife told me I was average, I think she’s mean.

What did the sushi say to the bee?
Wasabi

You can’t run through a camping ground. You can only ran, because it’s past tents

I thought I had a Japanese friend, but it was just my imagine asian

The roundest knight at king Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference.