Scared the postman today by going to the door naked.
I’m not sure what scared him more, my naked body or the fact that I knew where he lived.


I’m having an introvert party and you’re all not invited.


What did the bra say to the hat?
You go on a head Iโ€™m gonna give these two a lift


My wife just broke up with me for talking about video games too much, what a stupid thing to Fallout 4


“I stand corrected,” said the man in the orthopedic shoes.


My mate had a terrible accident a while ago. He fell into an Upholstering Machine.

He’s fully recovered now though.


I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.


I stayed up all night to find out where the sun went, then it dawned on me…


What do you call a woman with a toothpick up her butt?


The police came to my house and asked where I was between 3 and 5 . I told them pre school.


I bought a dog off a blacksmith today.
As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.


My boss told me I intimidate my coworkers so I just stared at him until he apologised


I told my wife she drew her eyebrows on too high. She looked surprised.


What is the difference between ignorance and apathy? I donโ€™t know, and I donโ€™t care.


Why don’t flies go to church?
Because they’re in sects


Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection, except one. He’s never gonna give you Up


The funeral for the man who invented Chinese whispers will be held on Monday. Pass it on.

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