My son wanted to know what it’s like to be married. I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.

Sheepdog: All 50 sheep are accounted for, boss.
Farmer: But I only had 49?
Sheepdog: Yeah I know. I rounded them up.

I broke a can opener. It’s a can’t opener now.

I am frustrated than a dragon trying to blow out candles.

Once I found out masturbating was an addiction, I just knew that I had no choice but to beat it.

When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.

How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it

When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.

When you swim in a creek and an eel bites your cheek, that’s a moray.

Doing things that you are not supposed to do at work makes your vision, hearing and alertness much better.

I can totally keep secrets. It’s the people I tell them to that can’t.

Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals

Yesterday I saw a keyboard with some missing keys. It ended up killing itself because it lacked self-Ctrl.

Why should you never give Elsa a balloon?
Cause she’ll just let it go

What’s long and hard and has cum in it?
A cucumber

I think they picked me for my motivational skills. Everyone always says they have to work twice as hard when I’m around!

My mate’s sex change operation from male to female went very well.
They did such a good job he’s still trying to reverse out of the hospital car park.

I don’t get people who stumble into mirrors. They need to watch themselves.

My wife broke up with me because of my gambling. All I can think of is how to win her back.

What part of your body likes to get frisky?
The naked eye