My grandfather has the heart of a lion.
And a lifetime ban from the zoo

What do you call a fly with no wings?
A walk

Have I told you this deja vu joke before?

What do you call a king’s fart?
Noble gas.

I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn’t complain

Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection, except one. He’s never gonna give you Up

And the best neckwear award goes to…
Oh wait. It’s a tie.

I went on a once in a lifetime holiday. Never again.

The other night I had a knife in one hand and a block of colby in the other…
I told the kids to leave the room before I cut the cheese.

What did the cow say to her calf?
It’s pasture bed time

A baby seal walks into a club.

What’s the difference between a golfer and a skydiver? A golfer goes *whack* “damn” and a skydiver goes “damn” *whack*

Why is too much alcohol bad for you?

Because that would be too whiskey.

How did the farmer find his wife?

He tractor down.

I had the most amazing orange the other day

It was a class above the zest

“I stand corrected,” said the man in the orthopedic shoes.

I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.

What does Batman put in his drink?

Just Ice

My friend David lost his ID.

So now I call him Dav.

I once thanked a French guy to death. It was a merci killing.