#132

My deaf girlfriend was talking in her sleep last night. She nearly took my eye out.

#211

A man is being arrested by a female police officer, who informs him, “Anything you say can and will be held against you.” The man replies, “Boobs!”

#732

When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.

When you swim in a creek and an eel bites your cheek, that’s a moray.

#850

Nothing makes me more suspicious than an unsolicited compliment.

#224

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball? Juan on Juan

#395

Deja Moo – the feeling that you’ve heard this bull before

#613

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says “Do you smell fish?”

#494

I always take life with a grain of salt, …plus a slice of lemon, …and a shot of tequila.

#384

I have a stepladder. Because my real ladder left when I was a kid

#680

I dreamt I was swimming in an orange ocean last night. It was just a Fanta sea

#398

What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?

One’s a crusty bus station and the other a busty crustacean

#423

When does a sandwich cook?
When it’s bakin lettuce and tomato

#368

I hate those stupid little Russian nesting dolls

they’re so full of themselves

#126

I joined a dyslexic poetry club. At our first meeting I made a vase and an ashtray.

#20

I went to a zoo in China last month, all they had in it was a small fluffy dog.
It was a Shitzu.

#447

Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.

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