#506

I just wrote a book on reverse psychology. Do *not* read it!

#410

What do you call an Asian man who always has the correct change?
Exact Lee

#869

I’m terrified of elevators, and I’m taking steps to avoid them

#222

The police came to my house and asked where I was between 3 and 5 . I told them pre school.

#707

I poured root beer into a square glass.
Now I just have beer

#391

Someone told me my clothes looked gay..
They did come out of the closet this morning.

#499

Why did the old man fall in the well? Because he couldn’t see that well.

#11

A handicapped guy stole my wallet.
He can hide but he can’t run

#366

Why do all of P-Diddy’s kids have nice hair?
Because Sean Combs

#627

Smoking will give you cancer.
Eating bacon will you give you cancer.
But for some reason, smoking bacon will cure it.

#209

Tennis players grunt too much when they play.
There’s no need for all that racquet

#332

I called the cops about a murder on my front lawn.
They said they couldn’t do anything about crows and to stop calling them.

#112

Me: Go to sleep before the monsters get you.
Daughter: Monsters aren’t real.
Me: You sound like your sister.
Daughter: Sister?
Me: I’ve said too much already…

#115

There’s a new shaver designed for dyslexics.
It’s the best thing since sliced beard.

#888

I miss my umbilical cord. Must have grown attached to it

#160

The roundest knight at king Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference.

#641

My wife’s mad because I paid for my dope out of our joint account. I thought that was why we had it.

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