What is the first thing Santa’s elves have to learn?
The Elfabet


Last night me and my wife watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV.


What happened to the cannibal that was late to dinner?
He was given the cold shoulder


I just found out that the guy who stole my private diary has died.
My thoughts are with his family.


Let’s hope the new Jurassic world movie isn’t a train Rex of a film.


What do you call people who illegally use restrooms? Squatters.


What does it take to make an octopus laugh?
Ten tickles


What do you call the security outside of a Samsung Store?
Guardians of the Galaxy.


Interviewer: “So how long were you employed in your last job?”
Me: “I’d say my biggest weakness is my listening skills.”


Two peanuts walked down the street. One of them was a salted


What do you get when a cow jumps over a barbed wire fence? An udder disaster.


What do you call a woman that sets her bills on fire? Bernadette


I just realised that I haven’t done the hokey pokey in over 10 years. I guess when you get older, you just forget what it’s all about.


What do you call a midget psychic who just escaped from prison? A small medium at large


What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?

One’s a crusty bus station and the other a busty crustacean

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