The future, the present and the past walked into a bar. Things got a little tense.

Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France? There was nothing left but de Brie.

When my wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo I had to put my foot down

I’m looking for the girl next door type. I’m just gonna keep moving house till I find her.

I would give my right arm to be ambidextrous!

It’s bad luck to be superstitious.

I was playing Frisbee with my dog in the park today, but it didn’t go well.
I think I need to get a flatter dog.

What do you call a man with no arms or legs hanging on the wall?
Art

The funeral for the man who invented Chinese whispers will be held on Monday. Pass it on.

A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand.

What did the NSA analyst say to his co-worker when their female colleague walked past?
“I’d tap that”

Have I told you this deja vu joke before?

What does it take to make an octopus laugh?
Ten tickles

Best Summer Vacation Book Never Written: “Where to Stay on Vacation” by Moe Tell.

Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.

There are plenty of fish in the sea but until you catch one you’re just stuck here holding your rod…

Living on earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip around the sun.

Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but she’s not out of the woods yet.