My dad suggested I register for a donor card. He’s a man after my own heart

My wife was in labor with our first child when suddenly she began to shout, “Shouldn’t, couldn’t, wouldn’t, didn’t, can’t!”

“Doc, what’s wrong with my wife?” I asked.

“Nothing” he said. “She’s just having contractions.”

Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward. That’s just how I roll.

The invisible man and invisible woman had children… they weren’t much to look at

I asked my wife “What do you want me to do with this big roll of bubble wrap?”
She said “Just pop it in the corner”.
It took me 4 hours.

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying

What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen? Snowballs.

Does a dolphin ever do something by accident? No, they do everything on porpoise.

Age is just the number of hours I’m hungover for.

My wife’s been staring through the window ever since it started snowing. If it gets any worse, I’ll have to let her in.

My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are. But I laugh more.

My ex-girlfriend still misses me. But her aim is steadily improving.

What did the NSA analyst say to his co-worker when their female colleague walked past?
“I’d tap that”

When clowns divorce there’s often a custardy battle

Why did the Mexican take xanax?
For Hispanic attacks

I’m going to stand outside, so if anyone asks I’m outstanding.

Conjunctivitis.com: a site for sore eyes

What is the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don’t know, and I don’t care.

My wife left me because I sold her wheelchair. I knew she’d come crawling back

I met a one-legged woman outside of a club the other day. She was a bouncer.