What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse’s butt?
A mechanic!

Frankly, auto correct, I’m getting tired of your shirt.

I imagine a handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.

There was a prison break and I saw a midget climb up the fence. As he jumped down her sneered at me and I thought, well that’s a little condescending.

I got a sext from a redhead: “I’m all alone. Come over. Bring protection.” I took SPF50.

Prison may be just one word. But to some, it’s a whole sentence.

A jumper cable walked into a bar, the bartender said “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything!”

I told my wife I was going to make a bike out of spaghetti. She couldn’t believe it when I rode pasta.

A horse walks into a bar, across the room, up the back wall, across the ceiling, down the front wall and then up to the bar. The bartender gives the horse a beer, he drinks it and leaves. A guy sitting at the bar looks perplexed and asks the bartender “Hey, what’s that all about?” The bartender replies, “Don’t take it personally, he never says ‘Hi’ to anyone.”

I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself this is the last thing I need.

I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I’ve ever seen.

My wife said that if I don’t get off my computer and do the dishes she’ll slam my head on the keyboard, but I think she’s jokinfjreoiwjrtwe4to8rkljreun8f4ny84c8y4t58lym4wthylmhawt4mylt4amlathnatyn

Care to seduce a large woman?
Piece of cake!

I asked my wife “What do you want me to do with this big roll of bubble wrap?”
She said “Just pop it in the corner”.
It took me 4 hours.

My boss told me I intimidate my coworkers so I just stared at him until he apologised

You used asbestos in that wall?
That was asbestos I could do.

Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever thought about your X and wondered Y?

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.