I had a dream last night that I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted.

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic

I really hate those people who knock at your door and tell you how you need to be ‘saved’ or you’ll ‘burn.’
Stupid firemen.

NSA Pickup Line #1:
Did you fall from heaven?
Because there’s no tracking data on how you arrived at this location

There’s a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.

Only a fraction of people will find this funny.

Some people appreciate these kinds of jokes and some don’t – the division is clear.

What do ducks wear to weddings? Duxedos

My wife and I always compromise. I admit I’m wrong and she agrees with me.

What do pimps and farmers have in common? They both need a hoe to stay in business

Why did the Mexican take xanax?
For Hispanic attacks

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not too sure

My wife told me to get our red headed son ready for school. So I beat him up and took his lunch money.

I’m great at multitasking.
I can waste time, be unproductive and procrastinate all at once!

What’s the difference between a joke and a rhetorical question?

Lazy People Fact #5812672793:
You were too lazy to read that number.

I would lose weight, but I hate losing.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

My colleague can no longer attend next weeks Innuendo Seminar so I have to fill her slot instead.