My deaf girlfriend was talking in her sleep last night. She nearly took my eye out.


A man is being arrested by a female police officer, who informs him, “Anything you say can and will be held against you.” The man replies, “Boobs!”


When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.

When you swim in a creek and an eel bites your cheek, that’s a moray.


Nothing makes me more suspicious than an unsolicited compliment.


What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball? Juan on Juan


Deja Moo – the feeling that you’ve heard this bull before


Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says “Do you smell fish?”


I always take life with a grain of salt, …plus a slice of lemon, …and a shot of tequila.


I have a stepladder. Because my real ladder left when I was a kid


I dreamt I was swimming in an orange ocean last night. It was just a Fanta sea


What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?

One’s a crusty bus station and the other a busty crustacean


When does a sandwich cook?
When it’s bakin lettuce and tomato


I hate those stupid little Russian nesting dolls

they’re so full of themselves


I joined a dyslexic poetry club. At our first meeting I made a vase and an ashtray.


I went to a zoo in China last month, all they had in it was a small fluffy dog.
It was a Shitzu.


Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.

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