I just wrote a book on reverse psychology. Do *not* read it!

What do you call an Asian man who always has the correct change?
Exact Lee

I’m terrified of elevators, and I’m taking steps to avoid them

The police came to my house and asked where I was between 3 and 5 . I told them pre school.

I poured root beer into a square glass.
Now I just have beer

Someone told me my clothes looked gay..
They did come out of the closet this morning.

Why did the old man fall in the well? Because he couldn’t see that well.

A handicapped guy stole my wallet.
He can hide but he can’t run

Why do all of P-Diddy’s kids have nice hair?
Because Sean Combs

What’s the leading cause of dry skin? Towels

Currently the flower business is blooming.

Smoking will give you cancer.
Eating bacon will you give you cancer.
But for some reason, smoking bacon will cure it.

Tennis players grunt too much when they play.
There’s no need for all that racquet

I called the cops about a murder on my front lawn.
They said they couldn’t do anything about crows and to stop calling them.

Me: Go to sleep before the monsters get you.
Daughter: Monsters aren’t real.
Me: You sound like your sister.
Daughter: Sister?
Me: I’ve said too much already…

There’s a new shaver designed for dyslexics.
It’s the best thing since sliced beard.

I miss my umbilical cord. Must have grown attached to it

The roundest knight at king Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference.

My wife’s mad because I paid for my dope out of our joint account. I thought that was why we had it.

When Jay-Z got engaged, did he call her his Feyonce?