#263

Once I found out masturbating was an addiction, I just knew that I had no choice but to beat it.

#597

My wife was in labor with our first child when suddenly she began to shout, “Shouldn’t, couldn’t, wouldn’t, didn’t, can’t!”

“Doc, what’s wrong with my wife?” I asked.

“Nothing” he said. “She’s just having contractions.”

#677

My budgie broke his leg so I made him a tiny splint out of a couple of matches. His little face lit up when he tried to walk.

#129

My ex-wife is standing at the opposite end of the museum from me. I want to say hello but there’s just too much history between us.

#4

I used to have a job at a calendar factory but I got the sack because I took a couple of days off

#262

Why do blonde girls walk in groups of odd numbers? Because they can’t even!

#216

Why does a chicken coop have 2 doors?

Because if it had 4 doors it would be called chicken sedan.

#649

Why did Barbie never get pregnant?
Because Ken always came in another box.

#515

My annual performance review says I lack “passion & intensity”, guess management hasn’t seen me alone with a Big Mac.

#818

How much beer does it take to get a tropical bird drunk?
Toucans

#315

I wasn’t particularly close to my dad before he died…
Which was lucky, because he trod on a landmine.

#280

What’s the difference between voyeurs and thieves? Thieves snatch your watch.

#68

My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said “No wait, I can change!”

#220

My mate had a terrible accident a while ago. He fell into an Upholstering Machine.

He’s fully recovered now though.

#562

Did you hear about the man who jumped off a bridge in France? He was in Sein.

#253

37 consonants, 25 vowels, a question mark, and a comma went to court.
They will be sentenced next Friday.

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