#897

What is the first thing Santa’s elves have to learn?
The Elfabet

#18

Last night me and my wife watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV.

#865

What happened to the cannibal that was late to dinner?
He was given the cold shoulder

#141

I just found out that the guy who stole my private diary has died.
My thoughts are with his family.

#238

Let’s hope the new Jurassic world movie isn’t a train Rex of a film.

#756

What do you call people who illegally use restrooms? Squatters.

#741

What does it take to make an octopus laugh?
Ten tickles

#84

What do you call the security outside of a Samsung Store?
Guardians of the Galaxy.

#107

Interviewer: “So how long were you employed in your last job?”
Me: “I’d say my biggest weakness is my listening skills.”

#47

Two peanuts walked down the street. One of them was a salted

#158

What do you get when a cow jumps over a barbed wire fence? An udder disaster.

#258

What do you call a woman that sets her bills on fire? Bernadette

#283

I just realised that I haven’t done the hokey pokey in over 10 years. I guess when you get older, you just forget what it’s all about.

#265

What do you call a midget psychic who just escaped from prison? A small medium at large

#398

What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?

One’s a crusty bus station and the other a busty crustacean

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