Once I found out masturbating was an addiction, I just knew that I had no choice but to beat it.

My wife was in labor with our first child when suddenly she began to shout, “Shouldn’t, couldn’t, wouldn’t, didn’t, can’t!”

“Doc, what’s wrong with my wife?” I asked.

“Nothing” he said. “She’s just having contractions.”

My budgie broke his leg so I made him a tiny splint out of a couple of matches. His little face lit up when he tried to walk.

My ex-wife is standing at the opposite end of the museum from me. I want to say hello but there’s just too much history between us.

I used to have a job at a calendar factory but I got the sack because I took a couple of days off

Why do blonde girls walk in groups of odd numbers? Because they can’t even!

Why does a chicken coop have 2 doors?

Because if it had 4 doors it would be called chicken sedan.

Why did Barbie never get pregnant?
Because Ken always came in another box.

What’s it like being in a vacuum cleaner? It sucks

What is invisible and smells like worms?
Bird farts

My annual performance review says I lack “passion & intensity”, guess management hasn’t seen me alone with a Big Mac.

How do you kill a circus?
Go for the juggler

I wasn’t particularly close to my dad before he died…
Which was lucky, because he trod on a landmine.

What’s the difference between voyeurs and thieves? Thieves snatch your watch.

What does Batman put in his drink?

Just Ice

My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said “No wait, I can change!”

My mate had a terrible accident a while ago. He fell into an Upholstering Machine.

He’s fully recovered now though.

Did you hear about the man who jumped off a bridge in France? He was in Sein.

37 consonants, 25 vowels, a question mark, and a comma went to court.
They will be sentenced next Friday.