I dreamt I was swimming in an orange ocean last night. It was just a Fanta sea

I burnt My Hawaiian pizza today…

I should’ve cooked it on aloha temperature

My dad always told me “Don’t be quick to find faults”.
Good man, terrible geologist.

My budgie broke his leg so I made him a tiny splint out of a couple of matches. His little face lit up when he tried to walk.

I’m addicted to brake fluid but I can stop whenever I want

A plateau is the highest form of flattery

I haven’t slept for three days, because that would be too long.

It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do

If canola oil comes from canola, where does baby oil come from?

Fixing broken windows is a pane in the glass.

Two bars walk into a man, LSD is powerful stuff

What’s the opposite of Christopher Reeve?
Christopher Walken

I am frustrated than a dragon trying to blow out candles.

Impotence: Nature’s way of saying “No hard feelings”.

Someone threw cheese at me.
Real mature!

What’s E.T. short for?
He’s got little legs

What did one lumber jack say to another lumber jack?
“I need to axe you a question”

How do you kill a circus?
Go for the juggler

Santa’s elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.

Hung a picture up on the wall the other day. Nailed it.