I just read a book about Stockholm syndrome. It was pretty bad at first but by the end I kinda liked it

Marketing companies should use chromosomes in advertisements because sex cells

I may not be getting lucky tonight, but I’m definitely banging my snooze button in the morning.

No deja vu please…
I don’t want to go through that again

PMS should just be called ovary-acting

How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a light bulb?
Let’s go play on our bikes

He’s street smart. Sesame Street smart.

I would give my right arm to be ambidextrous!

So this guy with a premature ejaculation problem comes out of nowhere

A dyslexic devil worshipper sold his soul to Santa

Where does seaweed look for a job?
in the kelp-wanted ads

Why did Barbie never get pregnant?
Because Ken always came in another box.

Wanna hear a potassium joke?
K

I can only tell you a bad chemistry joke because all the good ones Argon

My wifi has stopped working. Turns out our neighbours hadn’t paid the bill. Tightarses.

Sheepdog: All 50 sheep are accounted for, boss.
Farmer: But I only had 49?
Sheepdog: Yeah I know. I rounded them up.

Scared the postman today by going to the door naked.
I’m not sure what scared him more, my naked body or the fact that I knew where he lived.

I’ve just finished reading a book called “How To Give Constructive Criticism.”
It was rubbish.

Our vet is great. If you take your dog in and you have pet insurance, they give you a courtesy dog for the day.

My wife’s mad because I paid for my dope out of our joint account. I thought that was why we had it.