My dad was dyslexic. Whenever I swore when growing up, he’d wash my mouth out with soup.

I’m hosting a charity event tonight to raise money for people unable to orgasm. Don’t worry if you can’t come.

Me: Mmm, you’ve dimmed the lights. I like where this is going.
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.

Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
-Librarians arguing

This weight loss website wants me to accept cookies. Hmm…

People who sometimes use the wrong words should have the humidity to admit it.

I imagine a handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.

For a short while, my uncle was a world famous chainsaw juggler. But not for being good at it. I miss uncle Stump.

If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.

I applied for a government job but accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favour.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs lying in your fireplace?
Bernie

Why did the snowman smile?
Because the snowblower was coming

Frankly, auto correct, I’m getting tired of your shirt.

Smoking will give you cancer.
Eating bacon will you give you cancer.
But for some reason, smoking bacon will cure it.

Why should you never trust a train?
They have loco motives

What nationality is Santa Claus? North Polish

Why can’t you take inventory in Afghanistan?
Because of the tally ban

I used to be in a band, we were called ‘lost dog’. You probably saw our posters.

An opinion without 3.14159 is just an onion.

The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray was a seasoned veteran