Adult: Someone who has stopped growing at both ends and now grows in the middle.

If I get interviewed by a police sketch artist, my only goal will be to see how far I get before he realizes I’m making him draw a pirate.

What did the buffalo say to his son? Bison

Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher?
Couldn’t control his pupils

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humour.

What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says “Do you smell fish?”

My first day on the job at an IKEA store, I was told by my boss that employees needed to go to the meeting room before every shift. I asked why. He said, “Assembly required.”

Lazy People Fact #5812672793:
You were too lazy to read that number.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium

I did a theatrical performance on puns.
It was a play on words.

What do you call a Mexican with a vasectomy?
A dry Martinez

What do people wear in a trench? Trench coats.

How was Rome split in two?
With a pair of Caesars

What do you call a Far Eastern monk who sells reincarnations?
A used karma dealer

I quit my job at the helium gas factory, I refuse to be talked to in that tone of voice!

Do skunks celebrate Valentine’s Day? Sure, they’re very scent-imental!

When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with the Monkees, I didn’t believe her. And then I saw her face

My dad used to be a human cannonball in the circus. They’ve never found another man of his caliber