Where do fish work? The offish.

There are so many scams on the Internet these days…. but for $19.95 I can show you how to avoid them.

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Put it in the microwave until it’s Bill Withers.

My wife was in labor with our first child when suddenly she began to shout, “Shouldn’t, couldn’t, wouldn’t, didn’t, can’t!”

“Doc, what’s wrong with my wife?” I asked.

“Nothing” he said. “She’s just having contractions.”

What do you call a magic dog? A Labracadabrador.

My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are. But I laugh more.

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One cannibal turns to the other and asks, “This taste funny to you?”

Clones are people two

Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.

What did the tree say to autumn? Leaf me alone.

I have a fear of speed bumps, but I’m slowly getting over it

Nobody’s perfect. I’m a nobody.

When I was a child my father attacked me with cameras.
I still have flashbacks

Took my dog to a bonfire and as he sat there staring at it blankly I realised he loves sticks. I was burning a giant pile of his toys.

As soon as the hospital made me put on one of those little gowns, I knew the end was in sight

How do you get down from an elephant?
You don’t. You get down from a goose

I think they picked me for my motivational skills. Everyone always says they have to work twice as hard when I’m around!

“Give me a sentence about a public servant” the teacher instructed her second-grade student.
“The fireman came down the ladder pregnant” he answered.
“Umm … Do you know what pregnant means?”
“Yes” said the boy. “It means carrying a child”

I love the F5 key. It´s just so refreshing.

Fishermen are reel men.