What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards?
A receding hare-line

What do you call a number that can’t keep still?
A roamin’ numeral

I’m not lazy… I’m just on my energy saving mode.

Heard about the new restaurant called Karma?
There’s no menu – you get what you deserve

If a stranger offers you a piece of candy…take two.

What did the NSA analyst say to his co-worker when their female colleague walked past?
“I’d tap that”

Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

NSA Pickup Line #2:
I know exactly where you have been all my life

I’m here for whatever you need me to do… from the couch.

NSA Pickup Line #1:
Did you fall from heaven?
Because there’s no tracking data on how you arrived at this location

Give a Nigerian a fish he’ll eat for a day. Teach a Nigerian to phish and he’ll become a prince and start e-mailing people

I Renamed my iPod The Titanic, so when I plug it in, it says, “The Titanic is syncing”

What do you call someone who sells their body for a bowl of spaghetti? A pastatute!

How do you drown a hipster?
Throw him into the mainstream

What do you call a pastry with diamonds? A stud muffin

How does an evil cow laugh? Moohaha

Where are average things manufactured?
The satisfactory

A farmer counted 196 cows in the field. But when he rounded them up, he had 200

Did you hear about the man who jumped off a bridge in France? He was in Sein.

Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.