Why did the chicken go to a séance? To communicate with the other side

At what age do you think it’s appropriate to tell a highway it’s adopted?

3 people having sex is a threesome, 2 is a twosome. So next time someone calls you ‘handsome’, don’t take it as a compliment!

What’s brown and sounds like a bell? Dung!

My neighbor is in the Guinness World Records. He has had 44 concussions. He lives very close to me. A stone’s throw away, in fact.

My wife asked me to join her for yoga class. I said “Namaste home”

Yeah I’m into fitness… Fitness pizza in my mouth!

What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen? Snowballs.

The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”
A time traveller walks into a bar.

How do mathematicians scold their children?

“If I’ve told you n times, I’ve told you n+1 times …”

What do you call a sketchy Italian neighbourhood?
A Spaghetto

Why was the computer late for work?
He had a slow, hard drive

What did the DNA say to the other DNA?

“Do these genes make me look fat?”

I heard that Oxygen and Magnesium got together and I was like… “OMg”

If we get rid of all the margarine the world will be a butter place.

No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

As I said before, I never repeat myself.

It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally!

The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.

I know Jiu-Jitsu, Sambo, Judo, Aikido and lots of other scary words.