A philosopher says to a linguist “What if, instead of periods, women had apostrophes?”

The linguist replied, “They’d be more possessive and have more frequent contractions.”

Why do blondes tip-toe past medicine cabinets?
So they don’t wake up the sleeping pills

Blonde: “What does IDK mean?”

Brunette: “I don’t know.”

Blonde: “OMG, nobody does!”

Best Summer Vacation Book Never Written: “Where to Stay on Vacation” by Moe Tell.

Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.

How is cat food sold?
Purr can

How do snakes end a fight?
They hiss and make up

An African-American guy and a Mexican guy opened a restaurant. It’s called Nacho Mama.

What’s it like being in a vacuum cleaner? It sucks

What’s the worst vegetable to eat on a boat?
Leek

What do you get when giraffes collide?
A giraffic jam

I was hooked on auctions after only going once… going twice.

I work in a library. Literally, all we do is judge books by their covers.

Have you heard about corduroy pillows?
They’re making headlines.

What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, an insomniac, and an agnostic?
Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there is a dog.

Currently the flower business is blooming.

Why do husbands die before their wives? They want to.

I gave all my dead batteries away today…
free of charge

What’s the worst thing about ancient history class?
The teachers tend to Babylon

Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.