What sits at the bottom of the ocean shivering?
A nervous wreck

Woke up on the ground last night, must have fell asleep​.

Why did the Mexican throw his wife off a bridge?
Tequila

How do you get a man with only one arm out of a tree? Wave.

Somebody ripped a whole bunch of pages out of my dictionary. It just goes from bad to worse

What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the batmobile?
“Get in the batmobile”

I’m having an introvert party and you’re all not invited.

What happened to the cannibal that was late to dinner?
He was given the cold shoulder

Age is just the number of hours I’m hungover for.

I can cut down a tree just by looking at it. It’s true. I saw it with my own eyes

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.

I’m terrified of elevators, and I’m taking steps to avoid them

You used asbestos in that wall?
That was asbestos I could do.

What did the bra say to the hat?
You go on a head I’m gonna give these two a lift

What did the hat say to the hat rack?
You stay here I’m going on a head

What do you call a pig with three eyes?
A Piiig…

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad I take something for it

What is invisible and smells like worms?
Bird farts

Why are teddy bears never hungry?
Because they’re stuffed

A giraffe walks into a bar and says, “The highballs are on me.”