Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’ Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’

Why did the old man fall in the well? Because he couldn’t see that well.

How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony? It’s not hard.

Doing things that you are not supposed to do at work makes your vision, hearing and alertness much better.

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.

A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand.

I always take life with a grain of salt, …plus a slice of lemon, …and a shot of tequila.

I got fired from my job as a chef for stealing kitchen equipment. It’s a whisk I was willing to take.

The rotation of earth really makes my day.

I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I’ve ever seen.

Several guys are sitting around having a drink and one guy says “My wife’s an angel” another guy says “Your lucky, mines still alive.”

In any argument, a wife has the last word. Anything the husband says after that last word is the beginning of a new argument.

What do you call Watson when Sherlock isn’t around? Holmeless.

My wife and I always compromise. I admit I’m wrong and she agrees with me.

My wife said I never listen to her. Or something like that.

I would lose weight, but I hate losing.

What do you call an academically successful slice of bread? An honor roll.

When an employment application asks who is to be notified in case of emergency, I always write, “A very good doctor”

I can hear music coming out of my printer.
I think the paper’s jammin’ again.

A guy just threw milk at me… How dairy?!