Doesn’t expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?

There are plenty of fish in the sea but until you catch one you’re just stuck here holding your rod…

Want to get noticed?
Go jogging without moving your arms.

I couldn’t work out how to fasten my seatbelt. Then it clicked.

I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning… gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.

Do not argue with an idiot. They will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth, then it just becomes a soap opera.

Thieves had broken into my house and stolen everything except my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant.
Dirty Bastards.

What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common? A wet nose.

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned: couldn’t concentrate.

What do you call a bee with a low buzz?
A mumblebee

What advice did Notorious B.I.G give to his cows?
Moo money, moo problems

It’s bad luck to be superstitious.

Ice hockey is basically just guys wearing knife shoes fighting each other with long sticks for the last Oreo.

I don’t need a hot tub. I prefer a mildly attractive tub with a great sense of humor and a good job

I got called pretty yesterday and it felt good!

Actually, the full sentence was “you’re pretty annoying” but I’m choosing to focus on the positive

The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.

Wouldn’t exercise be more fun if calories screamed while you burned them?

I’m pretty sober.
But I’m prettier drunk

It’s a good thing farts aren’t contagious like yawns