I eat my tacos over a Tortilla. That way when stuff falls out, BOOM, another taco.

My doctors office has two doctors on call at all times. Is that considered a pair a docs.

You know it’s cold outside when you go outside and its cold

My boss told me I intimidate my coworkers so I just stared at him until he apologised

“No, thanks. I’m a vegetarian.” is a fun thing to say when someone hands you their baby.

I don’t think it’s possible for me to become a sniper. Not by a long shot.

The first 5 days after the weekend are the hardest

The only dates I get these days are software updates

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

Did you hear about the theme park ride made entirely out of iron?
It was a ferrous wheel

Behind every angry woman is man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong

Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.

My wife says I can join your gang but I have to be home by 9.

When a woman says “what!?” it’s not because she didn’t hear you. She’s just giving you a chance to change what you said

Can a woman make you a millionaire?
Yes, if you’re a billionaire

Yesterday, I fell down from a 10 meter ladder. Thank God I was on the third step.

I’m hosting a marathon for people with chronic diarrhea. It’s a run for the runs

My wife said that if I don’t get off my computer and do the dishes she’ll slam my head on the keyboard, but I think she’s jokinfjreoiwjrtwe4to8rkljreun8f4ny84c8y4t58lym4wthylmhawt4mylt4amlathnatyn

I was lonely so I bought some shares. It’s nice to have a bit of company

I’m the kind of guy who stops the microwave at 1 second just to feel like a bomb defuser.