People are making end of the world jokes like there is no tomorrow.

I got banned from a secret cooking society for spilling the beans

I’d like to thank the girl with no sports bra who ran with me through the last few miles of yesterday’s marathon.

Your lack of support got me through

I recently got a new Korean mechanic but it’s hard to understand him – he speaks with a Hyundai Accent!

Can’t believe they fired me from the clock factory after all the extra hours I put in

So apparently RSVP’ing back to a wedding invite ‘maybe next time’ isn’t the correct response.

A Chinese couple had a black baby and named it SumTing Wong.

My wife left me because I sold her wheelchair. I knew she’d come crawling back

Whenever I pass someone texting and driving, I throw my beer at their window

A Chinese kid was born before the due date.
Parents named him Sudden Lee.

If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.

Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
It got stuck in a crack

What do dinosaurs pay their bills with?
Tyrannosaurus Cheques

One day you’re the next best thing to sliced bread.
The next, you’re toast.

If procrastionation was an Olympic sport, I’d compete in it later.

When does a sandwich cook?
When it’s bakin lettuce and tomato

What kind of bees make milk?
Boobies

There are 2 rules for success:
1. Don’t tell all you know.

I wasn’t happy with my sons school report. He said okay. I said I want more A’s. He said okaaaaaaaay

How does a whale defend itself?
With a swordfish