I can totally keep secrets. It’s the people I tell them to that can’t.

You know you’re ugly when it comes to a group picture and they hand you the camera.

I had a dream last night that I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted.

I went to a busy pub last night dressed as a tennis ball.
I got served straight away.

What did Michael Jackson call his denim store?
Billie Jeans

I’m great at multitasking.
I can waste time, be unproductive and procrastinate all at once!

Why did the mobile phone need glasses?
It lost all its contacts

Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I’m driving

What do you call an Asian man who always has the correct change?
Exact Lee

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.
not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

Who is the best king fu vegetable?
Brocc Lee

What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.

The Man Who Created Autocorrect Has Died. Resturant In Peace.

I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.

It puzzles me that a bra is singular and panties are plural.

Light travels faster than sound. That’s why some people appear quite bright – until you hear them talk.

When my wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo I had to put my foot down

My girlfriend left me because she couldn’t handle my OCD. I told her to close the door five times on her way out.

About a month before he died, my uncle had his back covered in lard. After that, he went down hill fast.