What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?

One’s a crusty bus station and the other a busty crustacean

I bought my friend an elephant for their room.

They said “thank you”

I said “Don’t mention it”

I lost my licence so I bought a vintage Rolls Royce because I thought it came with a driver. It didn’t. So I spent all that money and I’ve got nothing to chauffeur it.

Deja Moo – the feeling that you’ve heard this bull before

What do you call dental x-rays?
Tooth pics

Why did the Higgs Boson go to church?
For the mass

What did the electrician say when he got shocked?
That hertz.

Someone told me my clothes looked gay..
They did come out of the closet this morning.

Why was the thermometer smarter than the graduated cylinder?
He had more degrees

Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay, they’d be called bagels

What’s the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?

Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.

Velociraptor = Distance raptor / Time raptor

Have you ever tried eating a clock? It’s time consuming

My friend dug a hole in the garden and filled it with water. I think he meant well.

I have a stepladder. Because my real ladder left when I was a kid

How many south Americans does it take to change a light bulb? A Brazilian

Statistically speaking, 6 out of 7 dwarves aren’t happy

What’s the difference between a well dressed man on a bike and a poorly dressed man on a unicycle?

Attire

Working in a mirror factory is something I can totally see myself doing

Shout out to my grandma…
That’s the only way she can hear