Thank you, my arms, for always being there by my side.

If iron man and the silver surfer team up, they’ll be alloys

Say what you want about deaf people…

I’m close friends with 25 letters of the alphabet, I don’t know y

Not all math puns are bad. Just sum.

My wife just broke up with me for talking about video games too much, what a stupid thing to Fallout 4

I called the cops about a murder on my front lawn.
They said they couldn’t do anything about crows and to stop calling them.

I bought a dog off a blacksmith today.
As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.

They say make up sex is the best…
Which is lucky, because all my sex is made up.

My friend has got a butler who only has one arm.
Serves him right.

Times New Roman walks into a bar. The barman says “Get out of here! We don’t serve your type.”

There was a big paddle sale at the boat store.
It was quite an oar deal.

I mustache you a question but I’ll Shave it for later

How do you count cows? With a cowculater.

My wife isn’t talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday.
I’m not sure how I did that – I didn’t even know it was her birthday

My wife says I’m hopeless at fixing appliances. Well, she’s in for a shock!

Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl in the toilet? Because it has a silent p

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.

Hedgehogs — why can’t they just share the hedge

I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again