What type of bears live in the north and south poles?
Bi-polar

A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says “Hey, we have a drink named after you.” The grasshopper says “You have a drink named Steve?”

I have six eyes, two mouths and three ears. What am I? Ugly

If towels could tell jokes they would probably have a dry sense of humor.

I got a photo with R.E.M
That’s me in the corner

I don’t get people who stumble into mirrors. They need to watch themselves.

What do ducks wear to weddings? Duxedos

Did you hear about the houses falling in love? It was a lawn-distance relationship.

My friend just got a job at the zoo, circumcising elephants. The pay isn’t great but he gets huge tips.

How do you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch.

The best way to carve wood is whittle by whittle

Nothing makes me more suspicious than an unsolicited compliment.

What’s an epileptics favourite food? Seizure salad

I should have been sad when my flashlight batteries died, but I was delighted.

What do you call an alcoholic Vampire?
Drunkcula

Got a universal remote for Father’s Day.
This changes everything!

When you have a bladder infection, urine trouble

I hate gravity, it always gets me down

19 and 20 got into a fight.
21.