I’ve decided to sell my Hoover … well, it was just collecting dust

I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It’s Hans free

I wonder how many chameleons snuck onto Noah’s Ark

I wasn’t particularly close to my dad before he died…
Which was lucky, because he trod on a landmine.

I have two boys, 5 and 6. We’re no good at naming things in our house.

I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the ‘brella’. But he hesitated.

I’m looking for the girl next door type. I’m just gonna keep moving house till I find her.

I’m not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change.

What religion are baby cows? Calf-lic.

A Buddhist monk approaches a hot dog stand and says “make me one with everything”

The invisible man and invisible woman had children… they weren’t much to look at

It’d be frustrating if you seriously couldn’t find your friend Marco at a crowded swimming pool.

Conjunctivitis.com: a site for sore eyes

Lets have a toast for the bread winners!

‘I hate tacos’ said no Juan ever

There was a snake crossing a highway and a truck ran over its ass. The snake went back to get its ass and a truck ran over its head. The moral of the story is, “Don’t lose your head over a piece of ass.”

Why is life in North Korea so hard? Because North Korea lost its Seoul.

What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway)

Does a dolphin ever do something by accident? No, they do everything on porpoise.

I’m going to stand outside, so if anyone asks I’m outstanding.