I bet the butcher $50 that he couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, “No, the steaks are too high.”

There was a man who entered a local paper’s pun contest.. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

My wife’s been staring through the window ever since it started snowing. If it gets any worse, I’ll have to let her in.

I swear to drunk I’m not god but seriously, stay in drugs, eat school and don’t do vegetables

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocaine during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication

Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e cigarette. When I woke up, the whole house was on the Internet

What is Bruce Lee’s favourite drink? Wataaaaahh!

What to say to a hitch-hiker with just one leg? Hop in.

A joke is like sex. Neither is any good if you don’t get it.

I told my wife I was going to make a bike out of spaghetti. She couldn’t believe it when I rode pasta.

Something about subtraction just doesn’t add up

Pick up line: “Are you a beaver because damn!”

When are holes beautiful? When they’re gorges.

When life gives you melons, you’re probably dyslexic.

I just realised that I haven’t done the hokey pokey in over 10 years. I guess when you get older, you just forget what it’s all about.

i thought i got a type a in blood test but it was actually a typ-o

I met a one-legged woman outside of a club the other day. She was a bouncer.

What’s the difference between voyeurs and thieves? Thieves snatch your watch.

Yesterday I saw a keyboard with some missing keys. It ended up killing itself because it lacked self-Ctrl.