What do you call a woman that sets her bills on fire? Bernadette

I broke a can opener. It’s a can’t opener now.

Why did Humpty Dumpty push his girlfriend off the wall? So he could see her crack!

Why don’t the melons get married? Because they cantaloupe

A guy goes to a doctor because he’s got a strawberry growing out of his chest. The doctor looks and examines and finally says, “Let me give you some cream to put on it.”

37 consonants, 25 vowels, a question mark, and a comma went to court.
They will be sentenced next Friday.

For a period, Houdini used a trap door in every single show he did…I guess you could say it was a stage he was going through

What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend? He wiped his bum.

I mean – I appreciate that my friends are doing their best to cheer me up after my diagnosis, but I’ve heard so many cancer jokes today – if I get to hear just tumor I’ll really get mad.

What kind of exercise do lazy people do? Diddly-squats.

What do you call an alligator wearing a vest? An investigator.

Shouldn’t pregnant women be called body builders?

Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals

“Give it to me! Give it to me!” she yelled, “I’m so wet, give it to me now!” She could scream all she wanted to. I was keeping the umbrella.

Care to seduce a large woman?
Piece of cake!

What is Mozart doing right now? Decomposing.

If you spent your day in a well, can you say your day was well-spent?

My ex-girlfriend still misses me. But her aim is steadily improving.

PMS jokes aren’t funny. Period.

Whoever invented knock knock jokes should get a no bell prize.