An atheist, a vegan and a Crossfitter walk into a bar. I only know because they told everyone within the first three minutes.

They should make a Minecraft movie, it would be a blockbuster!

A Roman walks into a bar, sticks two fingers up to the barman and says, “Five beers please.”

Why did the pig stop sunbathing? He was bacon in the heat

If you could rehydrate those raisins, that’d be grapes.

What’s the leading cause of dry skin? Towels

Which dinosaur knew the most words?
The thesaurus.

You know what often gets overlooked? Fences.

How many Emo kids does it take to change a light bulb? None, they all sit in the dark and cry

I don’t mind kids playing hopscotch in most places, but my driveway is where I draw the line.

What does cheese say when it sees itself in the mirror? Halloumi

Did you hear about the chameleon that couldn’t change colour? He had a reptile dysfunction

My tailor is happy to make a pair of pants for me, or at least sew it seams.

A hungry traveller stops at a monastery and is taken to the kitchens. A brother is frying chips. ‘Are you the friar?’ he asks. ‘No. I’m the chip monk,’ he replies.

What do pimps and farmers have in common? They both need a hoe to stay in business

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds

I dreamt I wrote the Hobbit the other night. I think I was Tolkien in my sleep.

What do you call an artist with a brown finger? Picassole

The roundest knight at king Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference.

How many Freudians does it take to change a light bulb? Sex.