What do you get when a cow jumps over a barbed wire fence? An udder disaster.

You heard of that new band 1023MB? They’re good but they haven’t got a gig yet.

What do you call a three-legged donkey? A wonkey.

I have a fear of speed bumps. Im slowly getting over it

I stayed up all night to find out where the sun went, then it dawned on me…

Why does the alcoholic Avon lady walk funny? Because her lips stick.

Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.

Today a girl said she recognized me from vegetarian club, but I’m sure I’ve never met herbivore.

I used to be a carpenter until I accidentally sat on my hammer, now I have hammeroids.

I was mugged by an acupuncturist yesterday – the mongrel stabbed me 236 times.
Mind you, when I woke up this morning I felt amazing.

I remember last summer I was so excited when the water restrictions were lifted I wet my plants.

At an interview:
First question: “Describe yourself in 3 words”
Me: “Not good with numbers”.

I asked the librarian if they had any books on paranoia?
She whispered, “They’re behind you”.

I was in a bar when a waitress shouted “ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I said “I know the whole alphabet!”.
Everyone laughed, except this one guy.

“Children are like a sponge at this age,” I said as I used my neighbour’s toddler to wipe up my beer that he spilled.

I was playing Frisbee with my dog in the park today, but it didn’t go well.
I think I need to get a flatter dog.

I just found out that the guy who stole my private diary has died.
My thoughts are with his family.

When my blonde neighbour asked me if I knew about items missing from her clothesline I nearly wet her pants.

I told my wife she drew her eyebrows on too high. She looked surprised.

I met my wife at an Arthritis support meeting.
You know when two people just click.