“You haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?” always seems like a strange way for my wife to start a conversation.

My wife is complaining that I never buy her jewellery. To be fair, I didn’t even know she sold jewellery.

My mate’s sex change operation from male to female went very well.
They did such a good job he’s still trying to reverse out of the hospital car park.

I used to date a dyslexic girl. Weird girl. I took her home and she cooked my sock.

Today I saw a golf buggy parked in a disabled bay and thought to myself, “I wonder what his handicap is?”

My deaf girlfriend was talking in her sleep last night. She nearly took my eye out.

I’ve just found out one of my mates works as a mime artist. He’s kept that quiet.

My wife asked me to bring home stuff for the pancakes. She wasn’t happy when I arrived with a push-up bra.

My ex-wife is standing at the opposite end of the museum from me. I want to say hello but there’s just too much history between us.

My wife told me to get our red headed son ready for school. So I beat him up and took his lunch money.

When I heard that they’d found a cure for dyslexia, it was like music to my arse.

My party trick is swallowing two peices of string and an hour later they come out of my arse tied together. I shit you knot.

My cousin drowned. At his funeral we laid a life jacket on his coffin.
It’s what he would have wanted.

I just saw a sign that made me wet myself.
It said “Bathroom Closed”.

My wife told me “Sex is better on holiday”.
Worst postcard ever.

I was ordering birthday cake over phone.
They asked “And what would you like the cake to say?”
I covered phone to ask my wife. “Do we want a talking cake?”

“It’s a boy!” I shouted, tears rolling down my face. “I don’t believe it. A boy!” And at that moment I decided I’d never visit Thailand again.

Two dyslexics walk into a bra…

I’m thinking of selling my John Lennon memorabilia on eBay.
Imagine all the PayPal.