Are they chopsticks in your pocket are you just happy sashimi?

The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn’t talking to me.

Arriving to meet a blind date:
Her: OMG! You actually wore pyjamas on a first date?
Me: Hang on a minute, you’re not blind!!

Good news for all you narcoleptics. Only 300 sleeps till Christmas!

I said to a mate, “What’s your pet hate?”
He said, “He doesn’t like it when the vet puts a thermometer up his butt”.

Psychologist: Can you describe yourself in two words?
Me: Lazy.

My wife finally got a “Brazilian”. He seems nice.

My wife said “Black really is slimming on you, you’ve never looked sexier”.
I said “Turn the light back on”.

I was having a dip at the swimming pool when the lifeguard asked, “What have you got there?” I said “Tzatziki”.

I spent all day yesterday floating out in the bay.
It’s been my dream ever since I was a little buoy.

Dad: Did you hear about the Orca at Sea World?
Son: Nope.
Dad: You didn’t? Oh whale.

Did you know that one of the Knights of the Round Table collected taxes?
His name was Sir Charge

what is a pirates favorite letter?
It be the C

Why can’t the T-Rex clap?
Because it’s dead

Mountains aren’t just funny
They’re hill areas

My cat has just recovered from a massive stroke

Why did the grandma put wheels on her rocking chair? She liked to rock and roll

This next song is about subtraction
“Take it away boys!”

Need a boat to hold all of that stuff?
I noah guy