Police are looking for a guy who threatens his victims with a lit match.
They need to catch him before he strikes again

So after I won the game for our team I decided to throw the ball into the crowd like they do on T.V.
Apparently, that’s a no-no in bowling.

There’s a new shaver designed for dyslexics.
It’s the best thing since sliced beard.

Our cat coughed up furballs all over the carpet. I wouldn’t mind but Furballs was our hamster.

I got a sext from a redhead: “I’m all alone. Come over. Bring protection.” I took SPF50.

Me: Go to sleep before the monsters get you.
Daughter: Monsters aren’t real.
Me: You sound like your sister.
Daughter: Sister?
Me: I’ve said too much already…

My wife broke up with me because of my gambling. All I can think of is how to win her back.

I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.

I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.

I’m going on a blind date tonight. I hope our Labradors get on.

Interviewer: “So how long were you employed in your last job?”
Me: “I’d say my biggest weakness is my listening skills.”

My mate had a terrible accident at work. He fell into an industrial grinder. He’s fine now.

If you’re here for the yodeling lesson, please form an orderly orderly orderly orderly queue.

I bought a cuckoo clock at an army disposals store. Last night at ten o’clock the bird chirped 2200 times.

My ex-wife has lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don’t know what she charges him.

I called the vet to complain about a bill. He just put the phone down. As quickly and humanely as possible.

The funeral for the man who invented Chinese whispers will be held on Monday. Pass it on.

Relationships between men and women is psychological.
She is psycho and he is logical.

When clowns divorce there’s often a custardy battle

“Your finest Scotch, please.” “Yes, sir,” the guy at Officeworks says as he hands me a 12 year old roll of tape.