I used to be a lifeguard, but this blue kid got me fired.

They’re always telling me to live my dreams. But I don’t want to be naked in an exam I haven’t revised for!

Your mum is so mean, she has no standard deviation
🤓

Why don’t cannibals eat clowns? They taste funny..

A donkey fell into a bowl of sugar. Now that’s a sweet ass!!

I tried walking up a hill without a watch but had neither the time nor the inclination.

What’s long and hard and has cum in it?
A cucumber

This guy said to me: “I’m gonna attack you with the neck of my guitar.” I said: “Is that a fret?”

Do you know why i make puns?
its my respunsibility.

I threw an Asian man down a flight of stairs. It was Wong on so many levels.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

My honey farmer friend has a thing for big butts. I suppose Booty is in the eye of the bee-holder.

I was watching a marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: ‘This could be interesting’

What do you call the security outside of a Samsung Store?
Guardians of the Galaxy.

I, for one, like Roman numerals

I made a graph of my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.

One day I was at a park wondering why does a frisbee keep looking bigger the closer it gets to you. Then it hit me

What’s the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts?
Beer nuts are a $1.75, but deer nuts are under a buck.

There’s no “i” in denial

I hate peer pressure and you should too.