If two vegans have an argument is it still beef?

When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.

I saw a bishop the other day. Wondered why he wasn’t walking diagonally

I ordered 2000 lbs. of chinese soup.
It was Won Ton.

LSD causes users to lose weight. Obviously you can’t eat when a dragon is guarding the fridge

What do you call a fat psychic? A four-chin teller.

A Spanish magician wanted to do a trick. He covered himself with a blanket and counted “Uno… dos…” and he vanished without a tres

Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, “do you know how to drive this thing?”

When Jay-Z got engaged, did he call her his Feyonce?

My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said “No wait, I can change!”

What has four letters

My wife told me I was average, I think she’s mean.

Did you know I was bilingual? Yeah I speak English and profanity

RIP boiled water. You will be mist.

Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.

I’ve been reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down

I was thinking about getting a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind

A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was a nurse said ‘No change yet’.

The thing about dwarfs and midgets is that they have very little in common

I don’t know if I just got hit by freezing rain, but it hurt like hail.