There are three kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can’t.

What do you call an Asian lady with one leg?
Irene

Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.

What do you call a lady with one leg?
Eileen

What do you call a guy with a rabbit up his butt?
Warren

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta

What do you call a potato wearing glasses?
A spectater

I was addicted to the hokey pokey but i turned myself around

The first rule of Alzheimer’s club, is don’t talk about chess club

How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it

I named my hard drive “dat ass” so once a month my computer asks if I want to back dat ass up

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese

Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever thought about your X and wondered Y?

Dogs can’t operate MRI machines… but catscan

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not too sure

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It’s fine, he woke up

People used to laugh at me when I would say “I want to be a comedian”, well nobody’s laughing now.

I went to a zoo in China last month, all they had in it was a small fluffy dog.
It was a Shitzu.

Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.

Last night me and my wife watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV.