A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

Wanted to tell you a joke about tv controllers but it’s not even remotely funny

30 seconds left on the microwave.
Women: set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone.
Men: do the space shuttle countdown.

You can’t run through a camping ground. You can only ran, because it’s past tents

Build a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.

Becoming a vegetarian was a huge missed steak

Did you hear about the man who was accidentally buried alive?
It was a grave mistake.

You kill vegetarian vampires with a steak to the heart

When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.

When you swim in a creek and an eel bites your cheek, that’s a moray.

Thank you student loans for getting me through university. I don’t think I could ever repay you

Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?

Welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous. I’m seeing a lot of new faces in the crowd this week and I have to say I’m really disappointed.

There’s a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.

Only a fraction of people will find this funny.

Some people appreciate these kinds of jokes and some don’t – the division is clear.

With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.

Queue is just Q followed by four silent letters waiting their turn

What do you call a guy no arms no legs in the mail box? Bill.

My neighbour is a stripper and a coeliac which is tough because she can only jump out of certain cakes.

What do you call a guy covered in leaves?
Russell

What do you call a cow that just gave birth?
Decalfeinated.