If you spent your day in a well, can you say your day was well-spent?

Got a new job as a hostage negotiator. Tried to ring in sick but they talked me out of it.

If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup technically a smoothie?

My wife left me because I sold her wheelchair. I knew she’d come crawling back

What do PCs and air conditioners have in common?
They both become useless when you open windows

This guy said to me: “I’m gonna attack you with the neck of my guitar.” I said: “Is that a fret?”

I bought my friend an elephant for their room.

They said “thank you”

I said “Don’t mention it”

A courtroom artist was arrested today for an unknown reason… details are sketchy.

Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection, except one. He’s never gonna give you Up

What do you call a sketchy Italian neighbourhood?
A Spaghetto

Your mammas not fat. She’s just… easier to see

Have you heard about corduroy pillows?
They’re making headlines.

Ice hockey is basically just guys wearing knife shoes fighting each other with long sticks for the last Oreo.

I had an argument with one of the seven dwarfs. He wasn’t happy

“Your finest Scotch, please.” “Yes, sir,” the guy at Officeworks says as he hands me a 12 year old roll of tape.

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying

There are so many scams on the Internet these days…. but for $19.95 I can show you how to avoid them.

There are three kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can’t.

I’ve found a job helping a one armed typist do capital letters.
It’s shift work.