I wasn’t happy with my sons school report. He said okay. I said I want more A’s. He said okaaaaaaaay

My dad was dyslexic. Whenever I swore when growing up, he’d wash my mouth out with soup.

What do you call a fat psychic? A four-chin teller.

What do you call people who illegally use restrooms? Squatters.

What was Helen Keller’s favourite colour?
Velcro

Working in a mirror factory is something I can totally see myself doing

I can cut down a tree just by looking at it. It’s true. I saw it with my own eyes

My doctor took one look at my gut and refused to believe that I work out. So I listed the exercises I do every day: jump to conclusions, climb the walls, drag my heels, push my luck, make mountains out of molehills, bend over backward, run around in circles, put my foot in my mouth, go over the edge, and beat around the bush.

My annual performance review says I lack “passion & intensity”, guess management hasn’t seen me alone with a Big Mac.

A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.

What does a baby computer call his dad?
Data

Why shouldn’t you make fun of a paleontologist? Because you will get Jurasskicked.

We need a 12-step group for compulsive talkers. They could call it On Anon Anon.

What do you call an academically successful slice of bread? An honor roll.

How do you kill a circus?
Go for the juggler

My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are. But I laugh more.

I mustache you a question but I’ll Shave it for later

I can totally keep secrets. It’s the people I tell them to that can’t.