A Russian spy, a sexual predator, and a billionaire walk into a bar. The bartender says, “What can I get you, Mr. President?”

I wanted to watch the world origami championship on TV but it was only on paper view.

What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, an insomniac, and an agnostic?
Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there is a dog.

A guy just threw milk at me… How dairy?!

Light travels faster than sound. That’s why some people appear quite bright – until you hear them talk.

My mate’s sex change operation from male to female went very well.
They did such a good job he’s still trying to reverse out of the hospital car park.

How is cat food sold?
Purr can

Can a woman make you a millionaire?
Yes, if you’re a billionaire

What type of bears live in the north and south poles?
Bi-polar

Why are teddy bears never hungry?
Because they’re stuffed

Why should you never trust a train?
They have loco motives

Blonde: “What does IDK mean?”

Brunette: “I don’t know.”

Blonde: “OMG, nobody does!”

An English man, an Irish man and an Italian walk into a bar. The bartender says “is this a joke?”

At what age do you think it’s appropriate to tell a highway it’s adopted?

Behind every angry woman is man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong

What is the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don’t know, and I don’t care.

What’s the advantage of living in Switzerland? Well the flag is a big plus

If procrastionation was an Olympic sport, I’d compete in it later.