I called the vet to complain about a bill. He just put the phone down. As quickly and humanely as possible.

There was a man who entered a local paper’s pun contest.. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

I told my wife she drew her eyebrows on too high. She looked surprised.

A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s: She changes it more often.

My wife says I’m immature. I told her to get out of my fort

What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse’s butt?
A mechanic!

i thought i got a type a in blood test but it was actually a typ-o

At an interview:
First question: “Describe yourself in 3 words”
Me: “Not good with numbers”.

What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef

There was a snake crossing a highway and a truck ran over its ass. The snake went back to get its ass and a truck ran over its head. The moral of the story is, “Don’t lose your head over a piece of ass.”

How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the physco path.

I’m hosting a charity event tonight to raise money for people unable to orgasm. Don’t worry if you can’t come.

As soon as the hospital made me put on one of those little gowns, I knew the end was in sight

I got called pretty yesterday and it felt good!

Actually, the full sentence was “you’re pretty annoying” but I’m choosing to focus on the positive

Why did the Mexican take xanax?
For Hispanic attacks

Thank you student loans for getting me through university. I don’t think I could ever repay you

I had an argument with one of the seven dwarfs. He wasn’t happy

My wife says I’m hopeless at fixing appliances. Well, she’s in for a shock!