I may not be getting lucky tonight, but I’m definitely banging my snooze button in the morning.

Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
It got stuck in a crack

I can hear music coming out of my printer.
I think the paper’s jammin’ again.

I was in a bar when a waitress shouted “ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I said “I know the whole alphabet!”.
Everyone laughed, except this one guy.

I’m having an introvert party and you’re all not invited.

I gave Stevie wonder a cheese grater for his birthday. He said it was the most violent book he’s ever read.

My mate had a terrible accident at work. He fell into an industrial grinder. He’s fine now.

What do you call a sheep with no legs? A cloud

What’s the difference between a joke and a rhetorical question?

When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.

Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours? Because it said ‘concentrate’.

“Give it to me! Give it to me!” she yelled, “I’m so wet, give it to me now!” She could scream all she wanted to. I was keeping the umbrella.

Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?

What’s the worst thing about ancient history class?
The teachers tend to Babylon

I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.

Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.

My dad said, always leave them wanting more.
Ironically, that’s how he lost his job in disaster relief.

Thank you student loans for getting me through university. I don’t think I could ever repay you

Who is the best king fu vegetable?
Brocc Lee

My friend has got a butler who only has one arm.
Serves him right.