A giraffe walks into a bar. “Sorry”, said the barman, “We don’t serve Heineken here.”

What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common? A wet nose.

Why don’t cannibals eat clowns? They taste funny..

I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It’s Hans free

Why was the computer late for work?
He had a slow, hard drive

The rotation of earth really makes my day.

The future, the present and the past walked into a bar. Things got a little tense.

I haven’t slept for three days, because that would be too long.

They should make a Minecraft movie, it would be a blockbuster!

I eat my tacos over a Tortilla. That way when stuff falls out, BOOM, another taco.

What do you call a three-legged donkey? A wonkey.

So apparently RSVP’ing back to a wedding invite ‘maybe next time’ isn’t the correct response.

My wife was in labor with our first child when suddenly she began to shout, “Shouldn’t, couldn’t, wouldn’t, didn’t, can’t!”

“Doc, what’s wrong with my wife?” I asked.

“Nothing” he said. “She’s just having contractions.”

Can a woman make you a millionaire?
Yes, if you’re a billionaire

What do you call someone who sells their body for a bowl of spaghetti? A pastatute!

I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.

I’m hosting a charity event tonight to raise money for people unable to orgasm. Don’t worry if you can’t come.