My first day on the job at an IKEA store, I was told by my boss that employees needed to go to the meeting room before every shift. I asked why. He said, “Assembly required.”

Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.

Today I saw a golf buggy parked in a disabled bay and thought to myself, “I wonder what his handicap is?”

I knew a guy who collected candy canes, they were all in mint condition.

What’s the advantage of living in Switzerland? Well the flag is a big plus

What do bees do with their honey? They cell it.

Why do blondes tip-toe past medicine cabinets?
So they don’t wake up the sleeping pills

Why don’t flies go to church?
Because they’re in sects

When I was a child my father attacked me with cameras.
I still have flashbacks

Nothing makes me more suspicious than an unsolicited compliment.

What is Mozart doing right now? Decomposing.

What do you call a fat psychic? A four-chin teller.

My deaf girlfriend was talking in her sleep last night. She nearly took my eye out.

I used to be a lifeguard, but this blue kid got me fired.

I asked my wife “What do you want me to do with this big roll of bubble wrap?”
She said “Just pop it in the corner”.
It took me 4 hours.

My wife told me “Sex is better on holiday”.
Worst postcard ever.

I used to be in a band, we were called ‘lost dog’. You probably saw our posters.

They’re always telling me to live my dreams. But I don’t want to be naked in an exam I haven’t revised for!