What do you call the security outside of a Samsung Store?
Guardians of the Galaxy.

Why does a chicken coop have 2 doors?

Because if it had 4 doors it would be called chicken sedan.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one – and let the other one off.

Heard about the new restaurant called Karma?
There’s no menu – you get what you deserve

If you could rehydrate those raisins, that’d be grapes.

Your mammas not fat. She’s just… easier to see

I don’t mind kids playing hopscotch in most places, but my driveway is where I draw the line.

My wife says I’m too impulsive. But what the hell does she know? She only met me yesterday.

I met my wife at an Arthritis support meeting.
You know when two people just click.

The funeral for the man who invented Chinese whispers will be held on Monday. Pass it on.

My wife’s been staring through the window ever since it started snowing. If it gets any worse, I’ll have to let her in.

Two peanuts walked down the street. One of them was a salted

When I was a child my father attacked me with cameras.
I still have flashbacks

Thank you, my arms, for always being there by my side.

My wife said “Go to the store and buy a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, buy a dozen.”
So I returned with 12 loaves of bread

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs lying in your fireplace?
Bernie

What’s the internal temperature of a Tauntaun?
Luke warm

I can only tell you a bad chemistry joke because all the good ones Argon

Took my dog to a bonfire and as he sat there staring at it blankly I realised he loves sticks. I was burning a giant pile of his toys.