Police are looking for a guy who threatens his victims with a lit match.
They need to catch him before he strikes again

Why are teddy bears never hungry?
Because they’re stuffed

I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.

What do you call a bee that lives in America? A USB

When I think of books, I touch my shelf.

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

My cousin drowned. At his funeral we laid a life jacket on his coffin.
It’s what he would have wanted.

Murphy’s law states anything that can go wrong will go wrong, but have you heard of Cole’s law? It’s finely sliced cabbage.

I’m terrified of elevators, and I’m taking steps to avoid them

I met a woman with 12 boobs…
Sounds weird dozen tit!

I got banned from a secret cooking society for spilling the beans

Why don’t flies go to church?
Because they’re in sects

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

My wife is complaining that I never buy her jewellery. To be fair, I didn’t even know she sold jewellery.

Hung a picture up on the wall the other day. Nailed it.

My wife told me I was average, I think she’s mean.

You know it’s cold outside when you go outside and its cold