What kind of exercise do lazy people do? Diddly-squats.

Why don’t helicopters fly in the morning? Twirly

Why is too much alcohol bad for you?

Because that would be too whiskey.

Our cat coughed up furballs all over the carpet. I wouldn’t mind but Furballs was our hamster.

What’s the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer? The taste

What nationality is Santa Claus? North Polish

Just got sacked from my job as a dishwasher. I kept putting the plates and bowls in the wrong order. The boss reckons I am dishlexic.

I imagine a handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.

My wife’s mad because I paid for my dope out of our joint account. I thought that was why we had it.

I always take life with a grain of salt, …plus a slice of lemon, …and a shot of tequila.

You can’t run through a camping ground. You can only ran, because it’s past tents

Puts the car into reverse.
“Ah, this takes me back”

Yesterday, I fell down from a 10 meter ladder. Thank God I was on the third step.

You know mountains aren’t just funny, they are hill areas

What do you call a woman standing in the middle of a tennis court?

Anette

What do you call a sketchy Italian neighbourhood?
A Spaghetto

I’ve been reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down