I was watching a marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: ‘This could be interesting’

For a period, Houdini used a trap door in every single show he did…I guess you could say it was a stage he was going through

“You haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?” always seems like a strange way for my wife to start a conversation.

I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.

I have a fear of speed bumps. Im slowly getting over it

They’re always telling me to live my dreams. But I don’t want to be naked in an exam I haven’t revised for!

My wife says I can join your gang but I have to be home by 9.

A magician walks down an alley and turns into a bar

There was a big paddle sale at the boat store.
It was quite an oar deal.

A farmer counted 196 cows in the field. But when he rounded them up, he had 200

Murphy’s law states anything that can go wrong will go wrong, but have you heard of Cole’s law? It’s finely sliced cabbage.

I’m not lazy… I’m just on my energy saving mode.

What was Helen Keller’s favourite colour?
Velcro

My ex-wife is standing at the opposite end of the museum from me. I want to say hello but there’s just too much history between us.

Wanted to tell you a joke about tv controllers but it’s not even remotely funny

For a short while, my uncle was a world famous chainsaw juggler. But not for being good at it. I miss uncle Stump.

The first rule of Alzheimer’s club, is don’t talk about chess club