“It’s a boy!” I shouted, tears rolling down my face. “I don’t believe it. A boy!” And at that moment I decided I’d never visit Thailand again.

What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you? Pull the pin and throw it back.

Why dont blind people skydive? Because it scares the crap out of their dogs.

How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the physco path.

My honey farmer friend has a thing for big butts. I suppose Booty is in the eye of the bee-holder.

You used asbestos in that wall?
That was asbestos I could do.

When I was a child my father attacked me with cameras.
I still have flashbacks

The other night I had a knife in one hand and a block of colby in the other…
I told the kids to leave the room before I cut the cheese.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs lying in your fireplace?
Bernie

I hate gravity, it always gets me down

I went to a busy pub last night dressed as a tennis ball.
I got served straight away.

I thought I understood the meaning of “When Pigs Fly” but then… the swine flu.

Why did the birdie go to the hospital? He needed a tweetment

Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

What do the movies titanic and the sixth sense have in common.
Icy dead people.

A giraffe walks into a bar and says, “The highballs are on me.”