What’s the difference between a golfer and a skydiver? A golfer goes *whack* “damn” and a skydiver goes “damn” *whack*

What do you call a Mexican with a vasectomy?
A dry Martinez

What did the electrician say when he got shocked?
That hertz.

My neighbour is a stripper and a coeliac which is tough because she can only jump out of certain cakes.

I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I’ve ever seen.

People who sometimes use the wrong words should have the humidity to admit it.

How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a light bulb?
Let’s go play on our bikes

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds

What kind of prize do you give someone who hasn’t moved a muscle in over a year?
Atrophy.

It’s Jamaican hair style day at work tomorrow. I’m already dreading it.

How does a whale defend itself?
With a swordfish

A handicapped guy stole my wallet.
He can hide but he can’t run

When clowns divorce there’s often a custardy battle

Nobody’s perfect. I’m a nobody.

An old man threw out his hip.. What a waist

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Put it in the microwave until it’s Bill Withers.

I always take life with a grain of salt, …plus a slice of lemon, …and a shot of tequila.

I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn’t complain

What does Batman put in his drink?

Just Ice