#117

Police are looking for a guy who threatens his victims with a lit match.
They need to catch him before he strikes again

#876

Why are teddy bears never hungry?
Because they’re stuffed

#109

I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.

#268

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

#124

My cousin drowned. At his funeral we laid a life jacket on his coffin.
It’s what he would have wanted.

#787

Murphy’s law states anything that can go wrong will go wrong, but have you heard of Cole’s law? It’s finely sliced cabbage.

#869

Iā€™m terrified of elevators, and Iā€™m taking steps to avoid them

#437

I got banned from a secret cooking society for spilling the beans

#812

What kind of lights did Noah use for his ark?
Floodlights

#374

Why don’t flies go to church?
Because they’re in sects

#87

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

#136

My wife is complaining that I never buy her jewellery. To be fair, I didn’t even know she sold jewellery.

#661

Hung a picture up on the wall the other day. Nailed it.

#810

Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?
Because they lactose

#457

You know it’s cold outside when you go outside and its cold

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