I quit my job at the helium gas factory, I refuse to be talked to in that tone of voice!

Why did the old man fall in the well? Because he couldn’t see that well.

What did the blanket say as it fell of the bed?
Oh sheet

Ice hockey is basically just guys wearing knife shoes fighting each other with long sticks for the last Oreo.

If we get rid of all the margarine the world will be a butter place.

At breakfast this morning, my wife said she’s leaving me because of my obsession with Twitter.

I almost choked on my #Brown.

My doctors office has two doctors on call at all times. Is that considered a pair a docs.

One day I was at a park wondering why does a frisbee keep looking bigger the closer it gets to you. Then it hit me

Why is too much alcohol bad for you?

Because that would be too whiskey.

My wife told me she thought we’d have less arguments if I wasn’t so pedantic.

I told her ‘I think you mean fewer’.

Why did the Mexican take xanax?
For Hispanic attacks

I got a sext from a redhead: “I’m all alone. Come over. Bring protection.” I took SPF50.

When I think of books, I touch my shelf.

I’m the kind of guy who stops the microwave at 1 second just to feel like a bomb defuser.

Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’ Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’

I’d like to thank the girl with no sports bra who ran with me through the last few miles of yesterday’s marathon.

Your lack of support got me through

Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
-Librarians arguing

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they’re so good at it!

My tailor is happy to make a pair of pants for me, or at least sew it seams.