Did you hear about the butcher who backed up into the meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work.

Somebody ripped a whole bunch of pages out of my dictionary. It just goes from bad to worse

Why is too much alcohol bad for you?

Because that would be too whiskey.

When an employment application asks who is to be notified in case of emergency, I always write, “A very good doctor”

My grandfather has the heart of a lion.
And a lifetime ban from the zoo

I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.

I had a dream last night that I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted.

A farmer counted 196 cows in the field. But when he rounded them up, he had 200

What do the movies titanic and the sixth sense have in common.
Icy dead people.

About a month before he died, my uncle had his back covered in lard. After that, he went down hill fast.

I’m trying to write jokes about unemployed people, but they need more work

How did the hipster burn his tongue?
He drank his coffee before it was cool

The Lord of the Rings is basically about a group that spends nine hours returning jewellery

My wife was in labor with our first child when suddenly she began to shout, “Shouldn’t, couldn’t, wouldn’t, didn’t, can’t!”

“Doc, what’s wrong with my wife?” I asked.

“Nothing” he said. “She’s just having contractions.”

Where do pencils go on vacation? Pencilvania

You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

Not all math puns are bad. Just sum.

Yeah, it was on Fry Day, I can’t believe they got killed for the halibut. No motive, someone should seas the culprit. I’m crabby bout it all

My kids have been throwing Scrabble tiles at each other again.

it’s all fun and games until someone loses an i.

I told my wife I was going to make a bike out of spaghetti. She couldn’t believe it when I rode pasta.