My party trick is swallowing two peices of string and an hour later they come out of my arse tied together. I shit you knot.

What is the first thing Santa’s elves have to learn?
The Elfabet

I broke a can opener. It’s a can’t opener now.

Is google a woman? Because it won’t let you finish your sentence without coming up with other suggestions.

A courtroom artist was arrested today for an unknown reason… details are sketchy.

At an interview:
First question: “Describe yourself in 3 words”
Me: “Not good with numbers”.

Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.

Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but she’s not out of the woods yet.

My wife says I can join your gang but I have to be home by 9.

Let’s hope the new Jurassic world movie isn’t a train Rex of a film.

I’ve been reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down

You know you’re ugly when it comes to a group picture and they hand you the camera.

I just saw a sign that made me wet myself.
It said “Bathroom Closed”.

They should make a Minecraft movie, it would be a blockbuster!

What’s the worst thing about ancient history class?
The teachers tend to Babylon

“Jesus loves you.”

A nice gesture in church.

A horrific thing to hear in a Mexican prison.

What does Kim Kardashian use to fix holes?

Sex tape

I’ve found a job helping a one armed typist do capital letters.
It’s shift work.

My wife asked me to bring home stuff for the pancakes. She wasn’t happy when I arrived with a push-up bra.

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One cannibal turns to the other and asks, “This taste funny to you?”