My dad said, always leave them wanting more.
Ironically, that’s how he lost his job in disaster relief.

A man who loves Sherlock Holmes novels and puns names his dog Furlock. One day, he takes his dog out to town with him and stops in a little boutique. He brings his dog in with him and tries on a shirt. To his dismay, it isn’t the right size. He looks at his dog and says “No fit, Furlock.“

I bought a cuckoo clock at an army disposals store. Last night at ten o’clock the bird chirped 2200 times.

Today I saw a golf buggy parked in a disabled bay and thought to myself, “I wonder what his handicap is?”

What’s the opposite of Christopher Reeve?
Christopher Walken

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta

People are making end of the world jokes like there is no tomorrow.

What’s the difference between a well dressed man on a bike and a poorly dressed man on a unicycle?

Attire

I, for one, like Roman numerals

Somebody ripped a whole bunch of pages out of my dictionary. It just goes from bad to worse

What does a panda ghost eat? Bam-BOO!

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

A plateau is the highest form of flattery

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.

I should have been sad when my flashlight batteries died, but I was delighted.

The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.

Yo mamma is so fat that when she sat on a laptop, the hardware turned into software!

I used to date a dyslexic girl. Weird girl. I took her home and she cooked my sock.