How do you kill a circus?
Go for the juggler

I don’t need a hot tub. I prefer a mildly attractive tub with a great sense of humor and a good job

My wife asked me to join her for yoga class. I said “Namaste home”

NSA Pickup Line #1:
Did you fall from heaven?
Because there’s no tracking data on how you arrived at this location

Why do all of P-Diddy’s kids have nice hair?
Because Sean Combs

How do snakes end a fight?
They hiss and make up

How was Rome split in two?
With a pair of Caesars

What do you call a guy covered in leaves?
Russell

What do you call someone who sells their body for a bowl of spaghetti? A pastatute!

Did you hear about the man who jumped off a bridge in France? He was in Sein.

I’ve accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.

One day you’re the next best thing to sliced bread.
The next, you’re toast.

What’s the importance of capitalization? You can either help your Uncle Jack off a horse or help your uncle jack off a horse

Why can’t you take inventory in Afghanistan?
Because of the tally ban

Did you hear about the murder at the fish shop the other day!!

2 fish got battered to death

Let’s hope the new Jurassic world movie isn’t a train Rex of a film.

A plateau is the highest form of flattery

What do you call a magic dog? A Labracadabrador.

Took my dog to a bonfire and as he sat there staring at it blankly I realised he loves sticks. I was burning a giant pile of his toys.

I always take life with a grain of salt, …plus a slice of lemon, …and a shot of tequila.