I’ve decided to sell my Hoover … well, it was just collecting dust

What do you call a man with no arms or legs hanging on the wall?
Art

I haven’t slept for three days, because that would be too long.

What is the first thing Santa’s elves have to learn?
The Elfabet

So this bloke just came up to me & said i’ve just spilt my scrabble set on the road. I asked “Whats the word on the street?”

The plumber told me a hole boring story about pipes.

PMS should just be called ovary-acting

What do ducks wear to weddings? Duxedos

What do you call a guy covered in leaves?
Russell

I have a stepladder. Because my real ladder left when I was a kid

I used to be in a band, we were called ‘lost dog’. You probably saw our posters.

A guy walks into a bar and orders a fruit punch.
Bartender says “Pal, if you want a punch you’ll have to stand in line”. The guy looks around, but there is no punch line.

What do you call a fly with no wings?
A walk

I got a sext from a redhead: “I’m all alone. Come over. Bring protection.” I took SPF50.

What’s an epileptics favourite food? Seizure salad

The best way to carve wood is whittle by whittle

I have a fear of speed bumps. Im slowly getting over it

When my wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo I had to put my foot down