Why was the thermometer smarter than the graduated cylinder?
He had more degrees

Doing things that you are not supposed to do at work makes your vision, hearing and alertness much better.

NSA Pickup Line #2:
I know exactly where you have been all my life

My cross-eyed wife and I just got a divorce. We didn’t see eye to eye. I also found out she was seeing someone on the side.

Did you hear about the man who was accidentally buried alive?
It was a grave mistake.

What do you call a woman that sets her bills on fire? Bernadette

The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.

My annual performance review says I lack “passion & intensity”, guess management hasn’t seen me alone with a Big Mac.

People who sometimes use the wrong words should have the humidity to admit it.

Why shouldn’t you make fun of a paleontologist? Because you will get Jurasskicked.

Do skunks celebrate Valentine’s Day? Sure, they’re very scent-imental!

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.
not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

What did the electrician say when he got shocked?
That hertz.

Clones are people two

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.

Why did the old man fall in the well? Because he couldn’t see that well.

Atheists don’t solve exponential equations because they don’t believe in higher powers.

What kind of currency do chickens use? Bock bucks