A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.

I just wrote a book on reverse psychology. Do *not* read it!

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad I take something for it

They should make a Minecraft movie, it would be a blockbuster!

Someone threw a bottle of Omega-3 pills at me. Luckily, my injuries were only super fish oil.

Doctor, I feel like a wigwam and a teepee. Trouble is, you’re too tense.

What do you call a guy with his legs cut off at the knees?
Neil

What is invisible and smells like worms?
Bird farts

When a woman says “what!?” it’s not because she didn’t hear you. She’s just giving you a chance to change what you said

Have you heard about corduroy pillows?
They’re making headlines.

A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was a nurse said ‘No change yet’.

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball? Juan on Juan

I work in a library. Literally, all we do is judge books by their covers.

A Russian spy, a sexual predator, and a billionaire walk into a bar. The bartender says, “What can I get you, Mr. President?”

I wonder how many chameleons snuck onto Noah’s Ark

Interviewer: “So how long were you employed in your last job?”
Me: “I’d say my biggest weakness is my listening skills.”

Did you hear about the butcher who backed up into the meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work.

Where do fish work? The offish.