How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Put it in the microwave until it’s Bill Withers.

A Roman walks into a bar, sticks two fingers up to the barman and says, “Five beers please.”

If procrastionation was an Olympic sport, I’d compete in it later.

My dad was dyslexic. Whenever I swore when growing up, he’d wash my mouth out with soup.

Why did the chicken go to a séance? To communicate with the other side

Thank you student loans for getting me through university. I don’t think I could ever repay you

I’m in awe. My buddy just used a snail as a key to start up his sedan…

It made escargot.

My wife said I never listen to her. Or something like that.

I love the F5 key. It´s just so refreshing.

What do you call an Asian man who always has the correct change?
Exact Lee

My wifi has stopped working. Turns out our neighbours hadn’t paid the bill. Tightarses.

A giraffe walks into a bar. “Sorry”, said the barman, “We don’t serve Heineken here.”

Want to get noticed?
Go jogging without moving your arms.

I would lose weight, but I hate losing.

How did the hipster burn his tongue?
He drank his coffee before it was cool

What’s the advantage of living in Switzerland? Well the flag is a big plus

I was addicted to the hokey pokey but i turned myself around

30 seconds left on the microwave.
Women: set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone.
Men: do the space shuttle countdown.

Why don’t helicopters fly in the morning? Twirly