My mate had a terrible accident at work. He fell into an industrial grinder. He’s fine now.

What do you call an Asian man who always has the correct change?
Exact Lee

Someone threw cheese at me.
Real mature!

What is the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don’t know, and I don’t care.

A farmer counted 196 cows in the field. But when he rounded them up, he had 200

Why can’t you take inventory in Afghanistan?
Because of the tally ban

I just saw a sign that made me wet myself.
It said “Bathroom Closed”.

Once I found out masturbating was an addiction, I just knew that I had no choice but to beat it.

Let’s hope the new Jurassic world movie isn’t a train Rex of a film.

What is Mozart doing right now? Decomposing.

Did you hear about the fire at the shoe factory? It was a real tragedy, 100 soles were lost.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says “Do you smell fish?”

Our cat was just sick on the carpet. I don’t think its feline well.

“I stand corrected,” said the man in the orthopedic shoes.

I got banned from the secret cooking society… For spilling the beans.

If canola oil comes from canola, where does baby oil come from?

How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas?
He felt his presents

Interviewer: “So how long were you employed in your last job?”
Me: “I’d say my biggest weakness is my listening skills.”

Dogs can’t operate MRI machines… but catscan