I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.
not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

Hedgehogs — why can’t they just share the hedge

There are plenty of fish in the sea but until you catch one you’re just stuck here holding your rod…

“Give me a sentence about a public servant” the teacher instructed her second-grade student.
“The fireman came down the ladder pregnant” he answered.
“Umm … Do you know what pregnant means?”
“Yes” said the boy. “It means carrying a child”

What do you call an Asian lady with one leg?
Irene

There was a big paddle sale at the boat store.
It was quite an oar deal.

This weight loss website wants me to accept cookies. Hmm…

What’s it like being in a vacuum cleaner? It sucks

Scared the postman today by going to the door naked.
I’m not sure what scared him more, my naked body or the fact that I knew where he lived.

How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony? It’s not hard.

What did the hat say to the hat rack?
You stay here I’m going on a head

I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.

I heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.

What nationality is Santa Claus? North Polish

What do you call a fly with no wings?
A walk

I miss my umbilical cord. Must have grown attached to it

I can only tell you a bad chemistry joke because all the good ones Argon

Living on earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip around the sun.

I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.