The best way to carve wood is whittle by whittle

I’m pretty sober.
But I’m prettier drunk

How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
You look for the fresh prints

So this bloke just came up to me & said i’ve just spilt my scrabble set on the road. I asked “Whats the word on the street?”

A dyslexic devil worshipper sold his soul to Santa

What’s the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts?
Beer nuts are a $1.75, but deer nuts are under a buck.

How do you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch.

What’s the difference between a golfer and a skydiver? A golfer goes *whack* “damn” and a skydiver goes “damn” *whack*

My wife said that if I don’t get off my computer and do the dishes she’ll slam my head on the keyboard, but I think she’s jokinfjreoiwjrtwe4to8rkljreun8f4ny84c8y4t58lym4wthylmhawt4mylt4amlathnatyn

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.

Light travels faster than sound. That’s why some people appear quite bright – until you hear them talk.

What’s long and hard and has cum in it?
A cucumber

What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you? Pull the pin and throw it back.

NSA Pickup Line #1:
Did you fall from heaven?
Because there’s no tracking data on how you arrived at this location

What part of a vegetable do cannibals struggle to eat?
The wheelchair

1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It’s either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it’s Colin.

When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.

When you swim in a creek and an eel bites your cheek, that’s a moray.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

If you lose your hearing, is it ear replaceable?