My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.

I’ve recently quit my job as a butler.

I refuse to be ordered around in that manor.

I wasn’t particularly close to my dad before he died…
Which was lucky, because he trod on a landmine.

What is invisible and smells like worms?
Bird farts

Why did Santa’s helper get depressed?
He had low elf esteem

I’m trying to write jokes about unemployed people, but they need more work

What do vegan dogs eat? Bark

Say what you want about deaf people…

Why should you never trust a train?
They have loco motives

What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?

One’s a crusty bus station and the other a busty crustacean

My wife left me because I sold her wheelchair. I knew she’d come crawling back

What part of a vegetable do cannibals struggle to eat?
The wheelchair

Why didn’t the vampire attack Taylor Swift?
She had Bad Blood

They should make a Minecraft movie, it would be a blockbuster!

My tailor is happy to make a pair of pants for me, or at least sew it seams.

I hate those stupid little Russian nesting dolls

they’re so full of themselves

I’m not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change.

I’m hosting a marathon for people with chronic diarrhea. It’s a run for the runs