The plumber told me a hole boring story about pipes.

What do you call a bee that lives in America? A USB

A man was admitted to hospital with a number of toy horses up his backside. His condition is now stable.

What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One’s really heavy and the other is a little lighter

Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but she’s not out of the woods yet.

I met my wife at an Arthritis support meeting.
You know when two people just click.

I’m the kind of guy who stops the microwave at 1 second just to feel like a bomb defuser.

I recently got a new Korean mechanic but it’s hard to understand him – he speaks with a Hyundai Accent!

Me: Mmm, you’ve dimmed the lights. I like where this is going.
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.

Let’s hope the new Jurassic world movie isn’t a train Rex of a film.

Age is just the number of hours I’m hungover for.

Did you hear about the murder at the fish shop the other day!!

2 fish got battered to death

Velociraptor = Distance raptor / Time raptor

I’ve bought my son a huge wooden horse for Christmas.

I got it from ‘Troys R Us.’

It’s better to have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy.

My doctor took one look at my gut and refused to believe that I work out. So I listed the exercises I do every day: jump to conclusions, climb the walls, drag my heels, push my luck, make mountains out of molehills, bend over backward, run around in circles, put my foot in my mouth, go over the edge, and beat around the bush.

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.