Frankly, auto correct, I’m getting tired of your shirt.

A Chinese couple had a black baby and named it SumTing Wong.

What kind of prize do you give someone who hasn’t moved a muscle in over a year?
Atrophy.

Yeah, it was on Fry Day, I can’t believe they got killed for the halibut. No motive, someone should seas the culprit. I’m crabby bout it all

I mean – I appreciate that my friends are doing their best to cheer me up after my diagnosis, but I’ve heard so many cancer jokes today – if I get to hear just tumor I’ll really get mad.

I went bobsleighing the other day, killed 250 bobs.

Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e cigarette. When I woke up, the whole house was on the Internet

Where are average things manufactured?
The satisfactory

They say make up sex is the best…
Which is lucky, because all my sex is made up.

Did you hear about the theme park ride made entirely out of iron?
It was a ferrous wheel

My wife’s mad because I paid for my dope out of our joint account. I thought that was why we had it.

I went on a once in a lifetime holiday. Never again.

I can hear music coming out of my printer.
I think the paper’s jammin’ again.

A guy walks into a bar and orders a fruit punch.
Bartender says “Pal, if you want a punch you’ll have to stand in line”. The guy looks around, but there is no punch line.

What’s the worst vegetable to eat on a boat?
Leek

What’s the difference between a joke and a rhetorical question?

Why didn’t the vampire attack Taylor Swift?
She had Bad Blood

What advice did Notorious B.I.G give to his cows?
Moo money, moo problems