My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are. But I laugh more.

I would give my right arm to be ambidextrous!

Did you hear about the short-sighted circumciser?
He got the sack

I broke my finger last week. On the other hand, I’m okay

If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup technically a smoothie?

PMS should just be called ovary-acting

How do you count cows? With a cowculater.

I’m in awe. My buddy just used a snail as a key to start up his sedan…

It made escargot.

My son wanted to know what it’s like to be married. I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.

Shout out to my grandma…
That’s the only way she can hear

Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.

What do you call the security outside of a Samsung Store?
Guardians of the Galaxy.

Statistically speaking, 6 out of 7 dwarves aren’t happy

What did the sushi say to the bee?
Wasabi

It’s bad luck to be superstitious.

Even when I’m really tired I refuse to take naps during the day. My wife says I’m resisting a rest.

A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.

Did you hear about the murder at the fish shop the other day!!

2 fish got battered to death

Wanna hear a potassium joke?
K