The plumber told me a hole boring story about pipes.

Why is too much alcohol bad for you?

Because that would be too whiskey.

I gave Stevie wonder a cheese grater for his birthday. He said it was the most violent book he’s ever read.

I don’t mind kids playing hopscotch in most places, but my driveway is where I draw the line.

A Chinese kid was born before the due date.
Parents named him Sudden Lee.

I was lonely so I bought some shares. It’s nice to have a bit of company

What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One’s really heavy and the other is a little lighter

What do the movies titanic and the sixth sense have in common.
Icy dead people.

What’s the difference between a well dressed man on a bike and a poorly dressed man on a unicycle?

Attire

I like European food so I decided to Russia over there because I was Hungary. After Czech’ing the menu I ordered Turkey. When I was Finnished I told the waiter ‘Spain good but there is Norway I could eat another bite’.

Where do pencils go on vacation? Pencilvania

A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says “Hey, we have a drink named after you.” The grasshopper says “You have a drink named Steve?”

There are plenty of fish in the sea but until you catch one you’re just stuck here holding your rod…

White boards are remarkable

My jokes are still in alpha

Hopefully soon they’ll get beta

Dogs can’t operate MRI machines… but catscan

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they’re so good at it!

My boss told me I intimidate my coworkers so I just stared at him until he apologised

I heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there

What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse’s butt?
A mechanic!