What did the blanket say as it fell of the bed?
Oh sheet

Atheists don’t solve exponential equations because they don’t believe in higher powers.

What do you call a fat psychic? A four-chin teller.

My boss told me I intimidate my coworkers so I just stared at him until he apologised

I’m hosting a marathon for people with chronic diarrhea. It’s a run for the runs

Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.

I know Jiu-Jitsu, Sambo, Judo, Aikido and lots of other scary words.

Velociraptor = Distance raptor / Time raptor

How did the farmer find his wife?

He tractor down.

My wife isn’t talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday.
I’m not sure how I did that – I didn’t even know it was her birthday

If towels could tell jokes they would probably have a dry sense of humor.

What do you call the security outside of a Samsung Store?
Guardians of the Galaxy.

What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards?
A receding hare-line

I imagine a handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.

I’m so introverted I won’t even talk to myself.

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’ Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’

People used to laugh at me when I would say “I want to be a comedian”, well nobody’s laughing now.