I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not too sure

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.

The other night I had a knife in one hand and a block of colby in the other…
I told the kids to leave the room before I cut the cheese.

I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds

How does a whale defend itself?
With a swordfish

It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic

Why did the mobile phone need glasses?
It lost all its contacts

Did you know that Snoop Dogg’s sister is a stripper?
She wears nothing but a g-string baby

What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend? He wiped his bum.

What’s brown and sounds like a bell? Dung!

What do you call an Asian man who always has the correct change?
Exact Lee

Behind every angry woman is man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong

Two soldiers are in a tank.
One looks at the other and says “BLUBLUBBLUBLUBBLUB”

I swear to drunk I’m not god but seriously, stay in drugs, eat school and don’t do vegetables

Want to get noticed?
Go jogging without moving your arms.

What’s got four legs and one arm? A Rottweiler.

What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One’s really heavy and the other is a little lighter

Shouldn’t pregnant women be called body builders?