What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the batmobile?
“Get in the batmobile”

What’s it like being in a vacuum cleaner? It sucks

Took my dog to a bonfire and as he sat there staring at it blankly I realised he loves sticks. I was burning a giant pile of his toys.

What do you call a king’s fart?
Noble gas.

I asked the librarian if they had any books on paranoia?
She whispered, “They’re behind you”.

Fixing broken windows is a pane in the glass.

Tennis players grunt too much when they play.
There’s no need for all that racquet

NSA Pickup Line #1:
Did you fall from heaven?
Because there’s no tracking data on how you arrived at this location

Clones are people two

My party trick is swallowing two peices of string and an hour later they come out of my arse tied together. I shit you knot.

My wife’s been staring through the window ever since it started snowing. If it gets any worse, I’ll have to let her in.

The first 5 days after the weekend are the hardest

I went on a once in a lifetime holiday. Never again.

I Renamed my iPod The Titanic, so when I plug it in, it says, “The Titanic is syncing”

I’m looking for the girl next door type. I’m just gonna keep moving house till I find her.

Once I found out masturbating was an addiction, I just knew that I had no choice but to beat it.

What is Bruce Lee’s favourite drink? Wataaaaahh!

Last night me and my wife watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV.

Lazy People Fact #5812672793:
You were too lazy to read that number.