I’m addicted to brake fluid but I can stop whenever I want

As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden..
The plot thickens.

My wife is complaining that I never buy her jewellery. To be fair, I didn’t even know she sold jewellery.

What do you call a fat psychic? A four-chin teller.

So apparently RSVP’ing back to a wedding invite ‘maybe next time’ isn’t the correct response.

For a period, Houdini used a trap door in every single show he did…I guess you could say it was a stage he was going through

What’s long and hard and has cum in it?
A cucumber

What do you call a guy with his legs cut off at the knees?
Neil

What do vegan dogs eat? Bark

Marketing companies should use chromosomes in advertisements because sex cells

A joke is like sex. Neither is any good if you don’t get it.

What do you call it when Batman skips church? Christian Bale.

I love the F5 key. It´s just so refreshing.

Somebody ripped a whole bunch of pages out of my dictionary. It just goes from bad to worse

1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It’s either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it’s Colin.

I didn’t like my beard at first but then it grew on me.

Someone says to his friend: “I bought a cat” And the other: “You have to be kitten me!”

I’m terrified of elevators, and I’m taking steps to avoid them

How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas?
He felt his presents

I don’t know if I just got hit by freezing rain, but it hurt like hail.