What is the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don’t know, and I don’t care.

I had an argument with one of the seven dwarfs. He wasn’t happy

If a blind woman tells you your penis is big, she’s probably just pulling your leg

How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it

What do you call Watson when Sherlock isn’t around? Holmeless.

I’d like to thank the girl with no sports bra who ran with me through the last few miles of yesterday’s marathon.

Your lack of support got me through

What do you call a guy with his legs cut off at the knees?
Neil

My grandfather has the heart of a lion.
And a lifetime ban from the zoo

I wonder how many chameleons snuck onto Noah’s Ark

How do mathematicians scold their children?

“If I’ve told you n times, I’ve told you n+1 times …”

A man is being arrested by a female police officer, who informs him, “Anything you say can and will be held against you.” The man replies, “Boobs!”

Why does the alcoholic Avon lady walk funny? Because her lips stick.

You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

People are making end of the world jokes like there is no tomorrow.

I’ve just found out one of my mates works as a mime artist. He’s kept that quiet.

Two dyslexics walk into a bra…

Whoever invented knock knock jokes should get a no bell prize.

If I get interviewed by a police sketch artist, my only goal will be to see how far I get before he realizes I’m making him draw a pirate.

Heard about the new restaurant called Karma?
There’s no menu – you get what you deserve