My wife asked me to bring home stuff for the pancakes. She wasn’t happy when I arrived with a push-up bra.

I met a one-legged woman outside of a club the other day. She was a bouncer.

Counting in binary is as easy as 01 10 11

I got fired from my job as a chef for stealing kitchen equipment. It’s a whisk I was willing to take.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says “Do you smell fish?”

What do you call people who illegally use restrooms? Squatters.

Why should you never trust a train?
They have loco motives

When an employment application asks who is to be notified in case of emergency, I always write, “A very good doctor”

How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony? It’s not hard.

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball? Juan on Juan

I went to a busy pub last night dressed as a tennis ball.
I got served straight away.

I was playing Frisbee with my dog in the park today, but it didn’t go well.
I think I need to get a flatter dog.

Who is the best king fu vegetable?
Brocc Lee

I have two boys, 5 and 6. We’re no good at naming things in our house.

How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it

What’s the difference between voyeurs and thieves? Thieves snatch your watch.

What do you call an artist with a brown finger? Picassole