I just found out I’m colorblind. The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.

I eat my tacos over a Tortilla. That way when stuff falls out, BOOM, another taco.

As soon as the hospital made me put on one of those little gowns, I knew the end was in sight

I hate gravity, it always gets me down

Why should you never trust a train?
They have loco motives

What do you call an academically successful slice of bread? An honor roll.

I used to be a lifeguard, but this blue kid got me fired.

I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It’s Hans free

I was mugged by an acupuncturist yesterday – the mongrel stabbed me 236 times.
Mind you, when I woke up this morning I felt amazing.

If we get rid of all the margarine the world will be a butter place.

I asked the librarian if they had any books on paranoia?
She whispered, “They’re behind you”.

A man is being arrested by a female police officer, who informs him, “Anything you say can and will be held against you.” The man replies, “Boobs!”

My wife told me to get our red headed son ready for school. So I beat him up and took his lunch money.

Why does the alcoholic Avon lady walk funny? Because her lips stick.

What’s the leading cause of dry skin? Towels

What do you call a pastry with diamonds? A stud muffin

What does a panda ghost eat? Bam-BOO!

3 people having sex is a threesome, 2 is a twosome. So next time someone calls you ‘handsome’, don’t take it as a compliment!

At any given moment the urge to sing, “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” is just a whim away. A whim away. A whim away.

My girlfriend left me because she couldn’t handle my OCD. I told her to close the door five times on her way out.