My wife says I’m immature. I told her to get out of my fort

What did the electrician say when he got shocked?
That hertz.

Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection, except one. He’s never gonna give you Up

A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s: She changes it more often.

My wifi has stopped working. Turns out our neighbours hadn’t paid the bill. Tightarses.

Smoking will give you cancer.
Eating bacon will you give you cancer.
But for some reason, smoking bacon will cure it.

I was walking my dog through the cemetery when I saw a guy crouching behind a gravestone.
I said “Morning”. He said, “No, just having a sh**”.

With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.

Nobody’s perfect. I’m a nobody.

How do you count cows? With a cowculater.

I imagine a handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.

How did the farmer find his wife?

He tractor down.

Just got sacked from my job as a dishwasher. I kept putting the plates and bowls in the wrong order. The boss reckons I am dishlexic.

At breakfast this morning, my wife said she’s leaving me because of my obsession with Twitter.

I almost choked on my #Brown.

Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I’m driving

My wife told me “Sex is better on holiday”.
Worst postcard ever.

What’s the internal temperature of a Tauntaun?
Luke warm

I can cut down a tree just by looking at it. It’s true. I saw it with my own eyes

I just realised that I haven’t done the hokey pokey in over 10 years. I guess when you get older, you just forget what it’s all about.