I once thanked a French guy to death. It was a merci killing.

There was a snake crossing a highway and a truck ran over its ass. The snake went back to get its ass and a truck ran over its head. The moral of the story is, “Don’t lose your head over a piece of ass.”

I quit my job at the helium gas factory, I refuse to be talked to in that tone of voice!

Got a universal remote for Father’s Day.
This changes everything!

My deaf girlfriend was talking in her sleep last night. She nearly took my eye out.

This weight loss website wants me to accept cookies. Hmm…

There are so many scams on the Internet these days…. but for $19.95 I can show you how to avoid them.

Build a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.

Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay, they’d be called bagels

I would lose weight, but I hate losing.

I broke my finger last week. On the other hand, I’m okay

You know what often gets overlooked? Fences.

PMS jokes aren’t funny. Period.

When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.

Why shouldn’t you make fun of a paleontologist? Because you will get Jurasskicked.

What do you call a lady with one leg?
Eileen

I’m going to stand outside, so if anyone asks I’m outstanding.

What do you call it when Batman skips church? Christian Bale.