What do you call a sheep with no legs? A cloud

I used to have a job at a calendar factory but I got the sack because I took a couple of days off

An old man threw out his hip.. What a waist

I’m great at multitasking.
I can waste time, be unproductive and procrastinate all at once!

I, for one, like Roman numerals

My wife broke up with me because of my gambling. All I can think of is how to win her back.

I hate peer pressure and you should too.

It’d be frustrating if you seriously couldn’t find your friend Marco at a crowded swimming pool.

Light travels faster than sound. That’s why some people appear quite bright – until you hear them talk.

My friend dug a hole in the garden and filled it with water. I think he meant well.

It’s better to have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy.

When my wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo I had to put my foot down

Hung a picture up on the wall the other day. Nailed it.

“No, thanks. I’m a vegetarian.” is a fun thing to say when someone hands you their baby.

What do you call a potato wearing glasses?
A spectater

I don’t need a hot tub. I prefer a mildly attractive tub with a great sense of humor and a good job

I haven’t slept for three days, because that would be too long.

My dad was dyslexic. Whenever I swore when growing up, he’d wash my mouth out with soup.

What do you call an Asian lady with one leg?
Irene