How is cat food sold?
Purr can

I threw an Asian man down a flight of stairs. It was Wong on so many levels.

Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.

What does a baby computer call his dad?
Data

The Lord of the Rings is basically about a group that spends nine hours returning jewellery

Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e cigarette. When I woke up, the whole house was on the Internet

When clowns divorce there’s often a custardy battle

What is invisible and smells like worms?
Bird farts

What type of bears live in the north and south poles?
Bi-polar

What do you call a Far Eastern monk who sells reincarnations?
A used karma dealer

Atheists don’t solve exponential equations because they don’t believe in higher powers.

Did you hear about the horse and pig that are dating?
They’re in a stable relationship

What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you? Pull the pin and throw it back.

What did the bra say to the hat?
You go on a head I’m gonna give these two a lift

I have a fear of speed bumps. Im slowly getting over it

Did you hear about the murder at the fish shop the other day!!

2 fish got battered to death

Why did Barbie never get pregnant?
Because Ken always came in another box.

My friend just got a job at the zoo, circumcising elephants. The pay isn’t great but he gets huge tips.