#190

What is the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don’t know, and I don’t care.

#369

I had an argument with one of the seven dwarfs. He wasn’t happy

#271

If a blind woman tells you your penis is big, she’s probably just pulling your leg

#488

What do you call Watson when Sherlock isn’t around? Holmeless.

#436

I’d like to thank the girl with no sports bra who ran with me through the last few miles of yesterday’s marathon.

Your lack of support got me through

#45

What do you call a guy with his legs cut off at the knees?
Neil

#620

The Energizer bunny ended up in jail.
He was charged with battery

#700

My grandfather has the heart of a lion.
And a lifetime ban from the zoo

#551

How do mathematicians scold their children?

“If I’ve told you n times, I’ve told you n+1 times …”

#211

A man is being arrested by a female police officer, who informs him, “Anything you say can and will be held against you.” The man replies, “Boobs!”

#152

Why does the alcoholic Avon lady walk funny? Because her lips stick.

#772

You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

#438

People are making end of the world jokes like there is no tomorrow.

#131

I’ve just found out one of my mates works as a mime artist. He’s kept that quiet.

#239

Whoever invented knock knock jokes should get a no bell prize.

#618

If I get interviewed by a police sketch artist, my only goal will be to see how far I get before he realizes I’m making him draw a pirate.

#577

Heard about the new restaurant called Karma?
There’s no menu – you get what you deserve

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