#745

I just found out I’m colorblind. The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.

#459

I eat my tacos over a Tortilla. That way when stuff falls out, BOOM, another taco.

#586

As soon as the hospital made me put on one of those little gowns, I knew the end was in sight

#626

Why should you never trust a train?
They have loco motives

#483

What do you call an academically successful slice of bread? An honor roll.

#97

I used to be a lifeguard, but this blue kid got me fired.

#317

I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It’s Hans free

#148

I was mugged by an acupuncturist yesterday – the mongrel stabbed me 236 times.
Mind you, when I woke up this morning I felt amazing.

#546

If we get rid of all the margarine the world will be a butter place.

#145

I asked the librarian if they had any books on paranoia?
She whispered, “They’re behind you”.

#211

A man is being arrested by a female police officer, who informs him, “Anything you say can and will be held against you.” The man replies, “Boobs!”

#128

My wife told me to get our red headed son ready for school. So I beat him up and took his lunch money.

#152

Why does the alcoholic Avon lady walk funny? Because her lips stick.

#558

3 people having sex is a threesome, 2 is a twosome. So next time someone calls you ‘handsome’, don’t take it as a compliment!

#339

At any given moment the urge to sing, “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” is just a whim away. A whim away. A whim away.

#400

My girlfriend left me because she couldn’t handle my OCD. I told her to close the door five times on her way out.

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