My wife’s mad because I paid for my dope out of our joint account. I thought that was why we had it.

Got a new job as a hostage negotiator. Tried to ring in sick but they talked me out of it.

I told my wife she drew her eyebrows on too high. She looked surprised.

Why should you never give Elsa a balloon?
Cause she’ll just let it go

Why did the birdie go to the hospital? He needed a tweetment

I’m hosting a charity event tonight to raise money for people unable to orgasm. Don’t worry if you can’t come.

I’ve just finished reading a book called “How To Give Constructive Criticism.”
It was rubbish.

What do you call the security outside of a Samsung Store?
Guardians of the Galaxy.

Can’t believe they fired me from the clock factory after all the extra hours I put in

Clones are people two

Your mammas not fat. She’s just… easier to see

My wife is leaving me because I’m going bald.

I’m not bothered, it’s hair loss.

My wife was in labor with our first child when suddenly she began to shout, “Shouldn’t, couldn’t, wouldn’t, didn’t, can’t!”

“Doc, what’s wrong with my wife?” I asked.

“Nothing” he said. “She’s just having contractions.”

I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.

The thing about dwarfs and midgets is that they have very little in common

The future, the present and the past walked into a bar. Things got a little tense.

If you spent your day in a well, can you say your day was well-spent?

Shout out to my grandma…
That’s the only way she can hear