What did the tree say to autumn? Leaf me alone.

RIP boiled water. You will be mist.

My mate’s sex change operation from male to female went very well.
They did such a good job he’s still trying to reverse out of the hospital car park.

My party trick is swallowing two peices of string and an hour later they come out of my arse tied together. I shit you knot.

I asked my wife “What do you want me to do with this big roll of bubble wrap?”
She said “Just pop it in the corner”.
It took me 4 hours.

There’s no “i” in denial

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?

What do vegan dogs eat? Bark

Murphy’s law states anything that can go wrong will go wrong, but have you heard of Cole’s law? It’s finely sliced cabbage.

If you could rehydrate those raisins, that’d be grapes.

When a woman says “what!?” it’s not because she didn’t hear you. She’s just giving you a chance to change what you said

What do you call a sketchy Italian neighbourhood?
A Spaghetto

What do dinosaurs pay their bills with?
Tyrannosaurus Cheques

The plumber told me a hole boring story about pipes.

Claustrophobic people are more productive thinking out of the box.

How does an evil cow laugh? Moohaha

I don’t mind kids playing hopscotch in most places, but my driveway is where I draw the line.