#839
The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn’t talking to me.
#67
What has four letters
#665
What’s E.T. short for?
He’s got little legs
#669
What’s the opposite of Christopher Reeve?
Christopher Walken
#838
Arriving to meet a blind date:
Her: OMG! You actually wore pyjamas on a first date?
Me: Hang on a minute, you’re not blind!!
#297
There was a man who entered a local paper’s pun contest.. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
#679
I burnt My Hawaiian pizza today…
I should’ve cooked it on aloha temperature
#175
Why did the pig stop sunbathing? He was bacon in the heat
#24
Dogs can’t operate MRI machines… but catscan
#193
What’s the advantage of living in Switzerland? Well the flag is a big plus
#781
I decided to make my password “incorrect” because if I type it in wrong, my computer will remind me,
“Your password is incorrect.”
#598
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Put it in the microwave until it’s Bill Withers.
#618
If I get interviewed by a police sketch artist, my only goal will be to see how far I get before he realizes I’m making him draw a pirate.
#284
When life gives you melons, you’re probably dyslexic.
#648
Wanna hear a potassium joke?
K
#298
I bet the butcher $50 that he couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, “No, the steaks are too high.”
#110
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
#549
Why was the computer late for work?
He had a slow, hard drive
#501
I had amnesia once – maybe twice.
#282
i thought i got a type a in blood test but it was actually a typ-o