A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was a nurse said ‘No change yet’.

What has four letters

Why do husbands die before their wives? They want to.

You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

The first 5 days after the weekend are the hardest

I gave all my dead batteries away today…
free of charge

I’ve recently quit my job as a butler.

I refuse to be ordered around in that manor.

Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I’m driving

How do you get a man with only one arm out of a tree? Wave.

An SEO guy walks into a bar, pub, inn, tavern, hotel, public house, brew house, beer hall, bodega, izakaya

What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh

My grandfather has the heart of a lion.
And a lifetime ban from the zoo

What do you call a wandering caveman? A meanderthal.

What do you call a king’s fart?
Noble gas.

What do you call a gay milkman? A Dairy Queen

I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.

I heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there

For a short while, my uncle was a world famous chainsaw juggler. But not for being good at it. I miss uncle Stump.

What do you call a sheep with no legs? A cloud

Did you hear about the murder at the fish shop the other day!!

2 fish got battered to death