What did the cow say to her calf?
It’s pasture bed time

The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray was a seasoned veteran

I’m the kind of guy who stops the microwave at 1 second just to feel like a bomb defuser.

I still remember the day the scented candle shop I worked at burned to the ground.

Everyone was so calm…..

What did the blanket say as it fell of the bed?
Oh sheet

What do you call a fly with no wings?
A walk

It’s not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn’t have the balls to do it.

A steak pun is a rare medium well done

In any argument, a wife has the last word. Anything the husband says after that last word is the beginning of a new argument.

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth, then it just becomes a soap opera.

My cats gonna sh** when he sees his new litter box I got him for Christmas.

What does it take to make an octopus laugh?
Ten tickles

They say make up sex is the best…
Which is lucky, because all my sex is made up.

If a stranger offers you a piece of candy…take two.

Today I saw a golf buggy parked in a disabled bay and thought to myself, “I wonder what his handicap is?”

I just saw a sign that made me wet myself.
It said “Bathroom Closed”.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.
not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

Heard about the new restaurant called Karma?
There’s no menu – you get what you deserve

If you lose your hearing, is it ear replaceable?

Scared the postman today by going to the door naked.
I’m not sure what scared him more, my naked body or the fact that I knew where he lived.