Where are average things manufactured?
The satisfactory

I’d like to thank the girl with no sports bra who ran with me through the last few miles of yesterday’s marathon.

Your lack of support got me through

Thank you student loans for getting me through university. I don’t think I could ever repay you

Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but she’s not out of the woods yet.

The seven dwarfs were in the bath feeling happy so he got out.

Why should you never give Elsa a balloon?
Cause she’ll just let it go

I dreamt I wrote the Hobbit the other night. I think I was Tolkien in my sleep.

Why is too much alcohol bad for you?

Because that would be too whiskey.

I met a one-legged woman outside of a club the other day. She was a bouncer.

How do you kill a circus?
Go for the juggler

I dreamt I was swimming in an orange ocean last night. It was just a Fanta sea

You know you’re ugly when it comes to a group picture and they hand you the camera.

“Whenever we drive past a graveyard my dad says, ‘Do you know why I can’t be buried there?’ And we all say, ‘Why not?’ And he says, ‘Because I’m not dead yet!’”

My dad suggested I register for a donor card. He’s a man after my own heart

My wife told me “Sex is better on holiday”.
Worst postcard ever.

Last night me and my wife watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV.

What do you call a guy with a car on his head?
Jack

Why did the birdie go to the hospital? He needed a tweetment

Have you heard about corduroy pillows?
They’re making headlines.