#788
What jam can’t you eat?
Traffic
#150
Today a girl said she recognized me from vegetarian club, but I’m sure I’ve never met herbivore.
#117
Police are looking for a guy who threatens his victims with a lit match.
They need to catch him before he strikes again
#125
My party trick is swallowing two peices of string and an hour later they come out of my arse tied together. I shit you knot.
#851
What’s an epileptics favourite food? Seizure salad
#239
Whoever invented knock knock jokes should get a no bell prize.
#630
Why did the snowman smile?
Because the snowblower was coming
#473
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth, then it just becomes a soap opera.
#835
I said to a mate, “What’s your pet hate?”
He said, “He doesn’t like it when the vet puts a thermometer up his butt”.
#292
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e cigarette. When I woke up, the whole house was on the Internet
#412
Why did the mobile phone need glasses?
It lost all its contacts
#797
My dad always used to say “The sky’s the limit!”
Which is probably why he got fired from his job at NASA
#661
Hung a picture up on the wall the other day. Nailed it.
#166
My tailor is happy to make a pair of pants for me, or at least sew it seams.
#1
“Whenever we drive past a graveyard my dad says, ‘Do you know why I can’t be buried there?’ And we all say, ‘Why not?’ And he says, ‘Because I’m not dead yet!’”
#765
I have only seen people underwhelmed or overwhelmed, never whelmed properly.
#157
You heard of that new band 1023MB? They’re good but they haven’t got a gig yet.
#142
I was playing Frisbee with my dog in the park today, but it didn’t go well.
I think I need to get a flatter dog.
#238
Let’s hope the new Jurassic world movie isn’t a train Rex of a film.
#253
37 consonants, 25 vowels, a question mark, and a comma went to court.
They will be sentenced next Friday.