When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds

Frankly, auto correct, I’m getting tired of your shirt.

What do you call a guy with a car on his head?
Jack

At an interview:
First question: “Describe yourself in 3 words”
Me: “Not good with numbers”.

I’m the kind of guy who stops the microwave at 1 second just to feel like a bomb defuser.

It’d be frustrating if you seriously couldn’t find your friend Marco at a crowded swimming pool.

What do you call a bee with a low buzz?
A mumblebee

What’s the difference between a joke and a rhetorical question?

What part of a vegetable do cannibals struggle to eat?
The wheelchair

Did you hear about the chameleon that couldn’t change colour? He had a reptile dysfunction

I used to be in a band, we were called ‘lost dog’. You probably saw our posters.

Got a new job as a hostage negotiator. Tried to ring in sick but they talked me out of it.

Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.

This weight loss website wants me to accept cookies. Hmm…

Want to get noticed?
Go jogging without moving your arms.

So apparently RSVP’ing back to a wedding invite ‘maybe next time’ isn’t the correct response.

Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e cigarette. When I woke up, the whole house was on the Internet

I’d like to thank the girl with no sports bra who ran with me through the last few miles of yesterday’s marathon.

Your lack of support got me through

Someone says to his friend: “I bought a cat” And the other: “You have to be kitten me!”