The Man Who Created Autocorrect Has Died. Resturant In Peace.

I was walking my dog through the cemetery when I saw a guy crouching behind a gravestone.
I said “Morning”. He said, “No, just having a sh**”.

Our vet is great. If you take your dog in and you have pet insurance, they give you a courtesy dog for the day.

I know Jiu-Jitsu, Sambo, Judo, Aikido and lots of other scary words.

What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the batmobile?
“Get in the batmobile”

Got a new job as a hostage negotiator. Tried to ring in sick but they talked me out of it.

There was a big paddle sale at the boat store.
It was quite an oar deal.

I like European food so I decided to Russia over there because I was Hungary. After Czech’ing the menu I ordered Turkey. When I was Finnished I told the waiter ‘Spain good but there is Norway I could eat another bite’.

What did the DNA say to the other DNA?

“Do these genes make me look fat?”

What’s E.T. short for?
He’s got little legs

I’m hosting a marathon for people with chronic diarrhea. It’s a run for the runs

I’ve just found out one of my mates works as a mime artist. He’s kept that quiet.

Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl in the toilet? Because it has a silent p

A man was admitted to hospital with a number of toy horses up his backside. His condition is now stable.

I broke my finger last week. On the other hand, I’m okay

I wanted to watch the world origami championship on TV but it was only on paper view.

PMS jokes aren’t funny. Period.

I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I’ve ever seen.