I just found out I’m colorblind. The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.

Why can’t you take inventory in Afghanistan?
Because of the tally ban

Broken Guitar for sale.
No strings attached

At any given moment the urge to sing, “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” is just a whim away. A whim away. A whim away.

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It’s fine, he woke up

I threw an Asian man down a flight of stairs. It was Wong on so many levels.

Can a woman make you a millionaire?
Yes, if you’re a billionaire

If iron man and the silver surfer team up, they’ll be alloys

I had a dream last night that I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted.

What do PCs and air conditioners have in common?
They both become useless when you open windows

A guy walks into a bar and orders a fruit punch.
Bartender says “Pal, if you want a punch you’ll have to stand in line”. The guy looks around, but there is no punch line.

When I heard that they’d found a cure for dyslexia, it was like music to my arse.

I was mugged by an acupuncturist yesterday – the mongrel stabbed me 236 times.
Mind you, when I woke up this morning I felt amazing.

I imagine a handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.

A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand.

I wasn’t happy with my sons school report. He said okay. I said I want more A’s. He said okaaaaaaaay

Why did the snowman smile?
Because the snowblower was coming

I have only seen people underwhelmed or overwhelmed, never whelmed properly.

My party trick is swallowing two peices of string and an hour later they come out of my arse tied together. I shit you knot.