How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony? It’s not hard.

I’m having an introvert party and you’re all not invited.

What happened to the cannibal that was late to dinner?
He was given the cold shoulder

My cross-eyed wife and I just got a divorce. We didn’t see eye to eye. I also found out she was seeing someone on the side.

What did the blanket say as it fell of the bed?
Oh sheet

Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France? There was nothing left but de Brie.

As soon as the hospital made me put on one of those little gowns, I knew the end was in sight

A plateau is the highest form of flattery

My wife was in labor with our first child when suddenly she began to shout, “Shouldn’t, couldn’t, wouldn’t, didn’t, can’t!”

“Doc, what’s wrong with my wife?” I asked.

“Nothing” he said. “She’s just having contractions.”

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta

What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?

One’s a crusty bus station and the other a busty crustacean

I wasn’t particularly close to my dad before he died…
Which was lucky, because he trod on a landmine.

You know what often gets overlooked? Fences.

My wife told me to get our red headed son ready for school. So I beat him up and took his lunch money.

Yo mamma is so fat that when she sat on a laptop, the hardware turned into software!

We need a 12-step group for compulsive talkers. They could call it On Anon Anon.

The plumber told me a hole boring story about pipes.

Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.