I used to have a job at a calendar factory but I got the sack because I took a couple of days off

What do you call dental x-rays?
Tooth pics

What do you call an academically successful slice of bread? An honor roll.

A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair.

Why did the Mexican take xanax?
For Hispanic attacks

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

I poured root beer into a square glass.
Now I just have beer

Wanted to tell you a joke about tv controllers but it’s not even remotely funny

You kill vegetarian vampires with a steak to the heart

What type of bears live in the north and south poles?
Bi-polar

When I was a child my father attacked me with cameras.
I still have flashbacks

So this bloke just came up to me & said i’ve just spilt my scrabble set on the road. I asked “Whats the word on the street?”

Somebody ripped a whole bunch of pages out of my dictionary. It just goes from bad to worse

I don’t get people who stumble into mirrors. They need to watch themselves.

Why did the birdie go to the hospital? He needed a tweetment

Several guys are sitting around having a drink and one guy says “My wife’s an angel” another guy says “Your lucky, mines still alive.”

I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It’s Hans free

What do you call it when Batman skips church? Christian Bale.

Not all math puns are bad. Just sum.