Yo mamma is so fat that when she sat on a laptop, the hardware turned into software!

A handicapped guy stole my wallet.
He can hide but he can’t run

My wife says I can join your gang but I have to be home by 9.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

What’s the opposite of Christopher Reeve?
Christopher Walken

Why did Humpty Dumpty push his girlfriend off the wall? So he could see her crack!

A magician walks down an alley and turns into a bar

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

What does it take to make an octopus laugh?
Ten tickles

Queue is just Q followed by four silent letters waiting their turn

A hole was found in the wall of a nudist camp. The police are looking into it.

I used to have a job at a calendar factory but I got the sack because I took a couple of days off

If canola oil comes from canola, where does baby oil come from?

What’s long and hard and has cum in it?
A cucumber

If towels could tell jokes they would probably have a dry sense of humor.