“Whenever we drive past a graveyard my dad says, ‘Do you know why I can’t be buried there?’ And we all say, ‘Why not?’ And he says, ‘Because I’m not dead yet!’”

When I heard that they’d found a cure for dyslexia, it was like music to my arse.

The Lord of the Rings is basically about a group that spends nine hours returning jewellery

I think they picked me for my motivational skills. Everyone always says they have to work twice as hard when I’m around!

If procrastionation was an Olympic sport, I’d compete in it later.

Did you know I was bilingual? Yeah I speak English and profanity

Conjunctivitis.com: a site for sore eyes

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.

I’m hosting a marathon for people with chronic diarrhea. It’s a run for the runs

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad I take something for it

What advice did Notorious B.I.G give to his cows?
Moo money, moo problems

Times New Roman walks into a bar. The barman says “Get out of here! We don’t serve your type.”

How many south Americans does it take to change a light bulb? A Brazilian

What do you call an alligator wearing a vest? An investigator.

Why can’t you take inventory in Afghanistan?
Because of the tally ban

When my blonde neighbour asked me if I knew about items missing from her clothesline I nearly wet her pants.

What do you call people who illegally use restrooms? Squatters.

Someone threw cheese at me.
Real mature!

Where are average things manufactured?
The satisfactory