#317
I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It’s Hans free
#738
30 seconds left on the microwave.
Women: set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone.
Men: do the space shuttle countdown.
#613
Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says “Do you smell fish?”
#87
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.
#56
A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.
#113
I got a sext from a redhead: “I’m all alone. Come over. Bring protection.” I took SPF50.
#373
Where did Mary go after the explosion?
Everywhere
#722
What do you call a guy covered in leaves?
Russell
#41
What do you call a guy with a car on his head?
Jack
#850
Nothing makes me more suspicious than an unsolicited compliment.
#797
My dad always used to say “The sky’s the limit!”
Which is probably why he got fired from his job at NASA
#151
Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.
#450
I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.
#573
I’m here for whatever you need me to do… from the couch.
#298
I bet the butcher $50 that he couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, “No, the steaks are too high.”
#328
Times New Roman walks into a bar. The barman says “Get out of here! We don’t serve your type.”
#852
I should have been sad when my flashlight batteries died, but I was delighted.
#579
What do you call a number that can’t keep still?
A roamin’ numeral
#368
I hate those stupid little Russian nesting dolls
they’re so full of themselves
#179
I met a woman with 12 boobs…
Sounds weird dozen tit!