How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it

At what age do you think it’s appropriate to tell a highway it’s adopted?

In any argument, a wife has the last word. Anything the husband says after that last word is the beginning of a new argument.

What do you call people who illegally use restrooms? Squatters.

What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen? Snowballs.

Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.

What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, an insomniac, and an agnostic?
Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there is a dog.

What does a baby computer call his dad?
Data

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocaine during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication

I was thinking about getting a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind

What part of a vegetable do cannibals struggle to eat?
The wheelchair

A donkey fell into a bowl of sugar. Now that’s a sweet ass!!

“You haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?” always seems like a strange way for my wife to start a conversation.

How many Freudians does it take to change a light bulb? Sex.

I swear to drunk I’m not god but seriously, stay in drugs, eat school and don’t do vegetables

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

I just wrote a book on reverse psychology. Do *not* read it!

How do mathematicians scold their children?

“If I’ve told you n times, I’ve told you n+1 times …”

What does it take to make an octopus laugh?
Ten tickles