What is the first thing Santa’s elves have to learn?
The Elfabet

Arguing with my wife is like reading the software licencing agreement. In the end, you ignore everything and click “I agree”.

Did you hear about the horse and pig that are dating?
They’re in a stable relationship

I’m going to stand outside, so if anyone asks I’m outstanding.

Pick up line: “Are you a beaver because damn!”

I saw a bishop the other day. Wondered why he wasn’t walking diagonally

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one – and let the other one off.

I named my hard drive “dat ass” so once a month my computer asks if I want to back dat ass up

Becoming a vegetarian was a huge missed steak

If a blind woman tells you your penis is big, she’s probably just pulling your leg

So after I won the game for our team I decided to throw the ball into the crowd like they do on T.V.
Apparently, that’s a no-no in bowling.

If you’re here for the yodeling lesson, please form an orderly orderly orderly orderly queue.

What did the electrician say when he got shocked?
That hertz.

I got a photo with R.E.M
That’s me in the corner

Someone stole my toilet and the police have nothing to go on.

Why is life in North Korea so hard? Because North Korea lost its Seoul.

When are holes beautiful? When they’re gorges.

Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.