Someone stole my toilet and the police have nothing to go on.

What do you call a cow that just gave birth?
Decalfeinated.

What do ducks wear to weddings? Duxedos

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocaine during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication

A termite walks into a bar and says “where’s the bar tender”

I imagine a handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.

My wife was in labor with our first child when suddenly she began to shout, “Shouldn’t, couldn’t, wouldn’t, didn’t, can’t!”

“Doc, what’s wrong with my wife?” I asked.

“Nothing” he said. “She’s just having contractions.”

How is cat food sold?
Purr can

Why did the Higgs Boson go to church?
For the mass

I burnt My Hawaiian pizza today…

I should’ve cooked it on aloha temperature

Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.

If you could rehydrate those raisins, that’d be grapes.

Can’t believe they fired me from the clock factory after all the extra hours I put in

I just read a book about Stockholm syndrome. It was pretty bad at first but by the end I kinda liked it

I’m so introverted I won’t even talk to myself.

Have you heard about the cannibal that passed his brother in the forest?

I wasn’t particularly close to my dad before he died…
Which was lucky, because he trod on a landmine.

Why did the chicken go to a séance? To communicate with the other side

If towels could tell jokes they would probably have a dry sense of humor.