My wife left me because I sold her wheelchair. I knew she’d come crawling back

If towels could tell jokes they would probably have a dry sense of humor.

I bought a ceiling fan the other day. Complete waste of money. He just stands there applauding and saying “Ooh, I love how smooth it is”

Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher?
Couldn’t control his pupils

One of the elves left the North Pole to join a gang and sell drugs.
He’s a rebel without a Claus

Why did the Higgs Boson go to church?
For the mass

Don’t fart in an apple store, there’s no windows!

Why is too much alcohol bad for you?

Because that would be too whiskey.

Behind every angry woman is man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong

If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup technically a smoothie?

Have you heard about corduroy pillows?
They’re making headlines.

If canola oil comes from canola, where does baby oil come from?

It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do

“Jesus loves you.”

A nice gesture in church.

A horrific thing to hear in a Mexican prison.

Why did Santa’s helper get depressed?
He had low elf esteem

Murphy’s law states anything that can go wrong will go wrong, but have you heard of Cole’s law? It’s finely sliced cabbage.

What’s the advantage of living in Switzerland? Well the flag is a big plus

I wanted to watch the world origami championship on TV but it was only on paper view.