I’m the kind of guy who stops the microwave at 1 second just to feel like a bomb defuser.

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One cannibal turns to the other and asks, “This taste funny to you?”

They’re always telling me to live my dreams. But I don’t want to be naked in an exam I haven’t revised for!

Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

I quit my job at the helium gas factory, I refuse to be talked to in that tone of voice!

I really hate those people who knock at your door and tell you how you need to be ‘saved’ or you’ll ‘burn.’
Stupid firemen.

The year 2020 is going to be filled with so many puns about perfect vision

I can just see it now.

One day I was at a park wondering why does a frisbee keep looking bigger the closer it gets to you. Then it hit me

What do you call a magic dog? A Labracadabrador.

I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the ‘brella’. But he hesitated.

A joke is like sex. Neither is any good if you don’t get it.

An SEO guy walks into a bar, pub, inn, tavern, hotel, public house, brew house, beer hall, bodega, izakaya

Living on earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip around the sun.

Why do blondes tip-toe past medicine cabinets?
So they don’t wake up the sleeping pills

A giraffe walks into a bar and says, “The highballs are on me.”

I got into a fight with my boner this morning. Don’t worry, I beat it single handedly

My wife is leaving me because I’m going bald.

I’m not bothered, it’s hair loss.

I just found out I’m colorblind. The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.

What do you call a guy with his legs cut off at the knees?
Neil

What’s the importance of capitalization? You can either help your Uncle Jack off a horse or help your uncle jack off a horse