Puts the car into reverse.
“Ah, this takes me back”

A naked man broke into a church. The police chased him around and finally caught him by the organ.

My grandfather has the heart of a lion.
And a lifetime ban from the zoo

I was ordering birthday cake over phone.
They asked “And what would you like the cake to say?”
I covered phone to ask my wife. “Do we want a talking cake?”

Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl in the toilet? Because it has a silent p

What happened to the cannibal that was late to dinner?
He was given the cold shoulder

“Children are like a sponge at this age,” I said as I used my neighbour’s toddler to wipe up my beer that he spilled.

What did the DNA say to the other DNA?

“Do these genes make me look fat?”

Can a woman make you a millionaire?
Yes, if you’re a billionaire

The Man Who Created Autocorrect Has Died. Resturant In Peace.

I didn’t like my beard at first but then it grew on me.

30 seconds left on the microwave.
Women: set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone.
Men: do the space shuttle countdown.

What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend? He wiped his bum.

Where are average things manufactured?
The satisfactory

I eat my tacos over a Tortilla. That way when stuff falls out, BOOM, another taco.

Thank you student loans for getting me through university. I don’t think I could ever repay you

My wife told me to get our red headed son ready for school. So I beat him up and took his lunch money.

This guy said to me: “I’m gonna attack you with the neck of my guitar.” I said: “Is that a fret?”

I burnt My Hawaiian pizza today…

I should’ve cooked it on aloha temperature