My cats gonna sh** when he sees his new litter box I got him for Christmas.

What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common? A wet nose.

Whenever I pass someone texting and driving, I throw my beer at their window

When I heard that they’d found a cure for dyslexia, it was like music to my arse.

“You haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?” always seems like a strange way for my wife to start a conversation.

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.

There are 2 rules for success:
1. Don’t tell all you know.

I went to a busy pub last night dressed as a tennis ball.
I got served straight away.

Pick up line: “Are you a beaver because damn!”

I was walking my dog through the cemetery when I saw a guy crouching behind a gravestone.
I said “Morning”. He said, “No, just having a sh**”.

I have only seen people underwhelmed or overwhelmed, never whelmed properly.

The first 5 days after the weekend are the hardest

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I broke a can opener. It’s a can’t opener now.

Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay, they’d be called bagels

Did you know that Snoop Dogg’s sister is a stripper?
She wears nothing but a g-string baby

What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh

What do you call a midget psychic who just escaped from prison? A small medium at large

Two peanuts walked down the street. One of them was a salted