What do you call a Mexican with a vasectomy?
A dry Martinez

I broke a can opener. It’s a can’t opener now.

What do you call a sheep with no legs? A cloud

A horse walks into a bar. Several patrons get up and leave as they recognise the potential danger in the situation

I was addicted to the hokey pokey but i turned myself around

Did you hear about the chameleon that couldn’t change colour? He had a reptile dysfunction

Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I’m driving

What do ducks wear to weddings? Duxedos

How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas?
He felt his presents

“Give me a sentence about a public servant” the teacher instructed her second-grade student.
“The fireman came down the ladder pregnant” he answered.
“Umm … Do you know what pregnant means?”
“Yes” said the boy. “It means carrying a child”

A woman goes into a bar and asks for a “double entendre”. So the bartender gave her one.

Have you heard about corduroy pillows?
They’re making headlines.

People used to laugh at me when I would say “I want to be a comedian”, well nobody’s laughing now.

I was in a bar when a waitress shouted “ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I said “I know the whole alphabet!”.
Everyone laughed, except this one guy.

A joke is like sex. Neither is any good if you don’t get it.

What do you call an academically successful slice of bread? An honor roll.

A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says “Hey, we have a drink named after you.” The grasshopper says “You have a drink named Steve?”