Wanted to tell you a joke about tv controllers but it’s not even remotely funny

Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?

My wife isn’t talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday.
I’m not sure how I did that – I didn’t even know it was her birthday

The invisible man and invisible woman had children… they weren’t much to look at

I bought a cuckoo clock at an army disposals store. Last night at ten o’clock the bird chirped 2200 times.

Times New Roman walks into a bar. The barman says “Get out of here! We don’t serve your type.”

My deaf girlfriend was talking in her sleep last night. She nearly took my eye out.

The best way to carve wood is whittle by whittle

I was watching a marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: ‘This could be interesting’

How much did it cost for the pirate to get his ears pierced?.

A buccaneer

What do you call a pig with three eyes?
A Piiig…

My wife said I never listen to her. Or something like that.

I’ve just finished reading a book called “How To Give Constructive Criticism.”
It was rubbish.

I had an argument with one of the seven dwarfs. He wasn’t happy

Someone stole my toilet and the police have nothing to go on.

Who is the best king fu vegetable?
Brocc Lee

My wife says I’m hopeless at fixing appliances. Well, she’s in for a shock!