A Chinese couple had a black baby and named it SumTing Wong.

I had a dream last night that I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted.

I, for one, like Roman numerals

What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you? Pull the pin and throw it back.

Why did the pig stop sunbathing? He was bacon in the heat

I just realised that I haven’t done the hokey pokey in over 10 years. I guess when you get older, you just forget what it’s all about.

Fixing broken windows is a pane in the glass.

My doctor took one look at my gut and refused to believe that I work out. So I listed the exercises I do every day: jump to conclusions, climb the walls, drag my heels, push my luck, make mountains out of molehills, bend over backward, run around in circles, put my foot in my mouth, go over the edge, and beat around the bush.

I just saw a sign that made me wet myself.
It said “Bathroom Closed”.

Just got sacked from my job as a dishwasher. I kept putting the plates and bowls in the wrong order. The boss reckons I am dishlexic.

Lazy People Fact #5812672793:
You were too lazy to read that number.

Did you hear about the short-sighted circumciser?
He got the sack

We need a 12-step group for compulsive talkers. They could call it On Anon Anon.

Did you hear about the butcher who backed up into the meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work.

Why did the snowman smile?
Because the snowblower was coming

My wife asked me to bring home stuff for the pancakes. She wasn’t happy when I arrived with a push-up bra.

I’m thinking of selling my John Lennon memorabilia on eBay.
Imagine all the PayPal.

The year 2020 is going to be filled with so many puns about perfect vision

I can just see it now.

My neighbor is in the Guinness World Records. He has had 44 concussions. He lives very close to me. A stone’s throw away, in fact.