I bought a dog off a blacksmith today.
As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.

I’ve recently quit my job as a butler.

I refuse to be ordered around in that manor.

What happened to the cannibal that was late to dinner?
He was given the cold shoulder

What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen? Snowballs.

Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.

I recently got a new Korean mechanic but it’s hard to understand him – he speaks with a Hyundai Accent!

Nothing makes me more suspicious than an unsolicited compliment.

I’m going to stand outside, so if anyone asks I’m outstanding.

What do you call it when Batman skips church? Christian Bale.

Did you hear about the fire at the shoe factory? It was a real tragedy, 100 soles were lost.

My wife told me I was average, I think she’s mean.

Today a girl said she recognized me from vegetarian club, but I’m sure I’ve never met herbivore.

What do you call a wandering caveman? A meanderthal.

My dad always told me “Don’t be quick to find faults”.
Good man, terrible geologist.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

I did a theatrical performance on puns.
It was a play on words.

A giraffe walks into a bar. “Sorry”, said the barman, “We don’t serve Heineken here.”

What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse’s butt?
A mechanic!

You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.