PMS should just be called ovary-acting

Interviewer: “So how long were you employed in your last job?”
Me: “I’d say my biggest weakness is my listening skills.”

Why does the alcoholic Avon lady walk funny? Because her lips stick.

How do mathematicians scold their children?

“If I’ve told you n times, I’ve told you n+1 times …”

I heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there

An African-American guy and a Mexican guy opened a restaurant. It’s called Nacho Mama.

A giraffe walks into a bar. “Sorry”, said the barman, “We don’t serve Heineken here.”

You used asbestos in that wall?
That was asbestos I could do.

Dogs can’t operate MRI machines… but catscan

I can only tell you a bad chemistry joke because all the good ones Argon

And the best neckwear award goes to…
Oh wait. It’s a tie.

Working in a mirror factory is something I can totally see myself doing

I was thinking about getting a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind

Wanna hear a potassium joke?
K

When Jay-Z got engaged, did he call her his Feyonce?

My friend recently got crushed by a pile of books, but he’s only got his shelf to blame.

If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup technically a smoothie?

What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway)

Our cat coughed up furballs all over the carpet. I wouldn’t mind but Furballs was our hamster.