A hungry traveller stops at a monastery and is taken to the kitchens. A brother is frying chips. ‘Are you the friar?’ he asks. ‘No. I’m the chip monk,’ he replies.

When a deaf person sees someone yawn do they think it’s a scream?

A farmer counted 196 cows in the field. But when he rounded them up, he had 200

A bartender walks into a church, a temple and a mosque. He has no idea how jokes work.

I saw a bishop the other day. Wondered why he wasn’t walking diagonally

I used to have a job at a calendar factory but I got the sack because I took a couple of days off

Behind every angry woman is man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong

Does a dolphin ever do something by accident? No, they do everything on porpoise.

Why are teddy bears never hungry?
Because they’re stuffed

How do you get down from an elephant?
You don’t. You get down from a goose

Doing things that you are not supposed to do at work makes your vision, hearing and alertness much better.

The first 5 days after the weekend are the hardest

“Your finest Scotch, please.” “Yes, sir,” the guy at Officeworks says as he hands me a 12 year old roll of tape.

Even when I’m really tired I refuse to take naps during the day. My wife says I’m resisting a rest.

A man who loves Sherlock Holmes novels and puns names his dog Furlock. One day, he takes his dog out to town with him and stops in a little boutique. He brings his dog in with him and tries on a shirt. To his dismay, it isn’t the right size. He looks at his dog and says “No fit, Furlock.“

Why don’t cannibals eat clowns? They taste funny..

A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.