Why did the mobile phone need glasses?
It lost all its contacts

Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.

I asked the librarian if they had any books on paranoia?
She whispered, “They’re behind you”.

Whenever I pass someone texting and driving, I throw my beer at their window

Why did the pig stop sunbathing? He was bacon in the heat

Today I saw a golf buggy parked in a disabled bay and thought to myself, “I wonder what his handicap is?”

How do you get down from an elephant?
You don’t. You get down from a goose

Smoking will give you cancer.
Eating bacon will you give you cancer.
But for some reason, smoking bacon will cure it.

Scared the postman today by going to the door naked.
I’m not sure what scared him more, my naked body or the fact that I knew where he lived.

I dreamt I was swimming in an orange ocean last night. It was just a Fanta sea

What do you call an alligator wearing a vest? An investigator.

Wanted to tell you a joke about tv controllers but it’s not even remotely funny

What did the NSA analyst say to his co-worker when their female colleague walked past?
“I’d tap that”

My wife asked me to bring home stuff for the pancakes. She wasn’t happy when I arrived with a push-up bra.

I thought I understood the meaning of “When Pigs Fly” but then… the swine flu.

Behind every angry woman is man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong

A baby seal walks into a club.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

The rotation of earth really makes my day.