Someone told me my clothes looked gay..
They did come out of the closet this morning.

You know it’s cold outside when you go outside and its cold

There was a man who entered a local paper’s pun contest.. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs lying in your fireplace?
Bernie

i thought i got a type a in blood test but it was actually a typ-o

A Spanish magician wanted to do a trick. He covered himself with a blanket and counted “Uno… dos…” and he vanished without a tres

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic

How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the physco path.

My kids have been throwing Scrabble tiles at each other again.

it’s all fun and games until someone loses an i.

When you have a bladder infection, urine trouble

I knew a guy who collected candy canes, they were all in mint condition.

PMS jokes aren’t funny. Period.

Why did Humpty Dumpty push his girlfriend off the wall? So he could see her crack!

Where does seaweed look for a job?
in the kelp-wanted ads

I’m trying to write jokes about unemployed people, but they need more work

Smoking will give you cancer.
Eating bacon will you give you cancer.
But for some reason, smoking bacon will cure it.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.

NSA Pickup Line #2:
I know exactly where you have been all my life