Yo mamma is so fat that when she sat on a laptop, the hardware turned into software!

Welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous. I’m seeing a lot of new faces in the crowd this week and I have to say I’m really disappointed.

Build a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.

There are three kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can’t.

I got banned from a secret cooking society for spilling the beans

I had an argument with one of the seven dwarfs. He wasn’t happy

What do you call a guy with a car on his head?
Jack

What do vegan dogs eat? Bark

What religion are baby cows? Calf-lic.

My girlfriend left me because she couldn’t handle my OCD. I told her to close the door five times on her way out.

As soon as the hospital made me put on one of those little gowns, I knew the end was in sight

I poured root beer into a square glass.
Now I just have beer

Don’t trust atoms. They make up everything.

What does a panda ghost eat? Bam-BOO!

The first rule of Alzheimer’s club, is don’t talk about chess club

What do you call a woman with a toothpick up her butt?
Olive

You kill vegetarian vampires with a steak to the heart