A dyslexic devil worshipper sold his soul to Santa

What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen? Snowballs.

The roundest knight at king Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference.

This guy just had a dangerous mole removed from the end of his penis. Definitely won’t be shagging one of those again

I wonder how many chameleons snuck onto Noah’s Ark

I applied for a government job but accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favour.

I swear to drunk I’m not god but seriously, stay in drugs, eat school and don’t do vegetables

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It’s fine, he woke up

I’m having an introvert party and you’re all not invited.

A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s: She changes it more often.

I had the most amazing orange the other day

It was a class above the zest

I didn’t like my beard at first but then it grew on me.

Why do husbands die before their wives? They want to.

I poured root beer into a square glass.
Now I just have beer

I can cut down a tree just by looking at it. It’s true. I saw it with my own eyes

What do dinosaurs pay their bills with?
Tyrannosaurus Cheques

I was in a bar when a waitress shouted “ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I said “I know the whole alphabet!”.
Everyone laughed, except this one guy.

And the best neckwear award goes to…
Oh wait. It’s a tie.

Give a Nigerian a fish he’ll eat for a day. Teach a Nigerian to phish and he’ll become a prince and start e-mailing people