What kind of exercise do lazy people do? Diddly-squats.

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.

Where did Mary go after the explosion?
Everywhere

What’s it like being in a vacuum cleaner? It sucks

The year 2020 is going to be filled with so many puns about perfect vision

I can just see it now.

This guy said to me: “I’m gonna attack you with the neck of my guitar.” I said: “Is that a fret?”

I was ordering birthday cake over phone.
They asked “And what would you like the cake to say?”
I covered phone to ask my wife. “Do we want a talking cake?”

My cross-eyed wife and I just got a divorce. We didn’t see eye to eye. I also found out she was seeing someone on the side.

An SEO guy walks into a bar, pub, inn, tavern, hotel, public house, brew house, beer hall, bodega, izakaya

I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I’ve ever seen.

The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”
A time traveller walks into a bar.

If we get rid of all the margarine the world will be a butter place.

I went to a busy pub last night dressed as a tennis ball.
I got served straight away.

What do pimps and farmers have in common? They both need a hoe to stay in business

I can cut down a tree just by looking at it. It’s true. I saw it with my own eyes

Yeah I’m into fitness… Fitness pizza in my mouth!

How many Freudians does it take to change a light bulb? Sex.

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocaine during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication

What do you call a woman with a toothpick up her butt?
Olive

Did you hear about the theme park ride made entirely out of iron?
It was a ferrous wheel