‘I hate tacos’ said no Juan ever

There are three kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can’t.

I’m so introverted I won’t even talk to myself.

The police came to my house and asked where I was between 3 and 5 . I told them pre school.

What did one lumber jack say to another lumber jack?
“I need to axe you a question”

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One cannibal turns to the other and asks, “This taste funny to you?”

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium

A termite walks into a bar and says “where’s the bar tender”

This weight loss website wants me to accept cookies. Hmm…

Someone threw cheese at me.
Real mature!

A bartender walks into a church, a temple and a mosque. He has no idea how jokes work.

I poured root beer into a square glass.
Now I just have beer

What is the first thing Santa’s elves have to learn?
The Elfabet

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.

I have a stepladder. Because my real ladder left when I was a kid

I have two boys, 5 and 6. We’re no good at naming things in our house.

My ex-girlfriend still misses me. But her aim is steadily improving.

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic

Why did the snowman smile?
Because the snowblower was coming

I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.