I’m great at multitasking.
I can waste time, be unproductive and procrastinate all at once!

They should make a Minecraft movie, it would be a blockbuster!

i thought i got a type a in blood test but it was actually a typ-o

I’m having an introvert party and you’re all not invited.

I’m not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change.

My wife said I never listen to her. Or something like that.

There are 2 rules for success:
1. Don’t tell all you know.

I’ve accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.

I got into a fight with my boner this morning. Don’t worry, I beat it single handedly

What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway)

I asked my wife for “something Cuban” for my birthday, and she got me a Che Guevara shirt.

Clothes, but no cigar.

A woman goes into a bar and asks for a “double entendre”. So the bartender gave her one.

Why was the thermometer smarter than the graduated cylinder?
He had more degrees

Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.

What did Michael Jackson call his denim store?
Billie Jeans

How many Freudians does it take to change a light bulb? Sex.

Celine Dion walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Those long face jokes are so mean. Let me buy you a drink”

Claustrophobic people are more productive thinking out of the box.