My wife said I never listen to her. Or something like that.

I met my wife at an Arthritis support meeting.
You know when two people just click.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram

Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I’m driving

“No, thanks. I’m a vegetarian.” is a fun thing to say when someone hands you their baby.

I don’t get people who stumble into mirrors. They need to watch themselves.

Something about subtraction just doesn’t add up

How do Mexicans stay warm in winter? Fajitas

How does a whale defend itself?
With a swordfish

When a deaf person sees someone yawn do they think it’s a scream?

What do you call a guy no arms no legs in the mail box? Bill.

What do pimps and farmers have in common? They both need a hoe to stay in business

Wanna hear a potassium joke?
K

The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray was a seasoned veteran

When life gives you melons, you’re probably dyslexic.

My wife’s mad because I paid for my dope out of our joint account. I thought that was why we had it.

Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.

If procrastionation was an Olympic sport, I’d compete in it later.

Yesterday, I fell down from a 10 meter ladder. Thank God I was on the third step.