My wife is complaining that I never buy her jewellery. To be fair, I didn’t even know she sold jewellery.

I have six eyes, two mouths and three ears. What am I? Ugly

When a deaf person sees someone yawn do they think it’s a scream?

A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says “Hey, we have a drink named after you.” The grasshopper says “You have a drink named Steve?”

I wanted to watch the world origami championship on TV but it was only on paper view.

My wife asked me to bring home stuff for the pancakes. She wasn’t happy when I arrived with a push-up bra.

I was in a bar when a waitress shouted “ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I said “I know the whole alphabet!”.
Everyone laughed, except this one guy.

Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’ Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’

Just got sacked from my job as a dishwasher. I kept putting the plates and bowls in the wrong order. The boss reckons I am dishlexic.

Nothing makes me more suspicious than an unsolicited compliment.

Lets have a toast for the bread winners!

People used to laugh at me when I would say “I want to be a comedian”, well nobody’s laughing now.

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth, then it just becomes a soap opera.

A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand.

Why did Barbie never get pregnant?
Because Ken always came in another box.

My mate had a terrible accident at work. He fell into an industrial grinder. He’s fine now.