Can’t believe they fired me from the clock factory after all the extra hours I put in

I was ordering birthday cake over phone.
They asked “And what would you like the cake to say?”
I covered phone to ask my wife. “Do we want a talking cake?”

Hedgehogs — why can’t they just share the hedge

Two soldiers are in a tank.
One looks at the other and says “BLUBLUBBLUBLUBBLUB”

I used to be a lifeguard, but this blue kid got me fired.

What’s the difference between a well dressed man on a bike and a poorly dressed man on a unicycle?

Attire

If I get interviewed by a police sketch artist, my only goal will be to see how far I get before he realizes I’m making him draw a pirate.

Is it bad to tell knock knock jokes to homeless people?

What’s the worst thing about ancient history class?
The teachers tend to Babylon

There are 2 rules for success:
1. Don’t tell all you know.

Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.

Why did the Mexican take xanax?
For Hispanic attacks

A Roman walks into a bar, sticks two fingers up to the barman and says, “Five beers please.”

What do you call an Asian man who always has the correct change?
Exact Lee

A dyslexic devil worshipper sold his soul to Santa

NSA Pickup Line #1:
Did you fall from heaven?
Because there’s no tracking data on how you arrived at this location

“Whenever we drive past a graveyard my dad says, ‘Do you know why I can’t be buried there?’ And we all say, ‘Why not?’ And he says, ‘Because I’m not dead yet!’”