Thank you student loans for getting me through university. I don’t think I could ever repay you

Cinderella got kicked off the basketball team because she ran away from the ball

I’m not lazy… I’m just on my energy saving mode.

It puzzles me that a bra is singular and panties are plural.

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball? Juan on Juan

Age is just the number of hours I’m hungover for.

Got a new job as a hostage negotiator. Tried to ring in sick but they talked me out of it.

Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I’m driving

What’s brown and sounds like a bell? Dung!

What does Batman put in his drink?

Just Ice

I mean – I appreciate that my friends are doing their best to cheer me up after my diagnosis, but I’ve heard so many cancer jokes today – if I get to hear just tumor I’ll really get mad.

The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray was a seasoned veteran

What did the cow say to her calf?
It’s pasture bed time

So after I won the game for our team I decided to throw the ball into the crowd like they do on T.V.
Apparently, that’s a no-no in bowling.

My honey farmer friend has a thing for big butts. I suppose Booty is in the eye of the bee-holder.

What’s the difference between a joke and a rhetorical question?

My wife says I’m too impulsive. But what the hell does she know? She only met me yesterday.

I can guess your blood type.
Its Red.

I imagine a handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.

I got fired from my job as a chef for stealing kitchen equipment. It’s a whisk I was willing to take.