#504
A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s: She changes it more often.
#883
I don’t get people who stumble into mirrors. They need to watch themselves.
#886
What do you call a gay milkman? A Dairy Queen
#828
Did you know that one of the Knights of the Round Table collected taxes?
His name was Sir Charge
#23
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not too sure
#524
Why do husbands die before their wives? They want to.
#168
What does cheese say when it sees itself in the mirror? Halloumi
#321
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.
#114
Our cat coughed up furballs all over the carpet. I wouldn’t mind but Furballs was our hamster.
#605
What do you call a Far Eastern monk who sells reincarnations?
A used karma dealer
#87
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.
#268
To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
#419
How does a whale defend itself?
With a swordfish
#307
It’d be frustrating if you seriously couldn’t find your friend Marco at a crowded swimming pool.
#610
What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium
#556
My neighbor is in the Guinness World Records. He has had 44 concussions. He lives very close to me. A stone’s throw away, in fact.
#839
The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn’t talking to me.
#288
I told my wife I was going to make a bike out of spaghetti. She couldn’t believe it when I rode pasta.
#755
A hole was found in the wall of a nudist camp. The police are looking into it.
#110
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.