Have I told you this deja vu joke before?

A joke is like sex. Neither is any good if you don’t get it.

What’s the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?

Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.

Hedgehogs — why can’t they just share the hedge

It’s better to have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy.

Why is too much alcohol bad for you?

Because that would be too whiskey.

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth, then it just becomes a soap opera.

I once thanked a French guy to death. It was a merci killing.

I’ve been reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down

Yesterday, I fell down from a 10 meter ladder. Thank God I was on the third step.

Queue is just Q followed by four silent letters waiting their turn

There was a snake crossing a highway and a truck ran over its ass. The snake went back to get its ass and a truck ran over its head. The moral of the story is, “Don’t lose your head over a piece of ass.”

What did the tree say to autumn? Leaf me alone.

A horse walks into a bar, across the room, up the back wall, across the ceiling, down the front wall and then up to the bar. The bartender gives the horse a beer, he drinks it and leaves. A guy sitting at the bar looks perplexed and asks the bartender “Hey, what’s that all about?” The bartender replies, “Don’t take it personally, he never says ‘Hi’ to anyone.”

There’s a new shaver designed for dyslexics.
It’s the best thing since sliced beard.

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It’s fine, he woke up

I’ve found a job helping a one armed typist do capital letters.
It’s shift work.