A Roman walks into a bar, sticks two fingers up to the barman and says, “Five beers please.”

What kind of prize do you give someone who hasn’t moved a muscle in over a year?
Atrophy.

A steak pun is a rare medium well done

What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef

I would lose weight, but I hate losing.

I have two boys, 5 and 6. We’re no good at naming things in our house.

A farmer counted 196 cows in the field. But when he rounded them up, he had 200

The plumber told me a hole boring story about pipes.

As I said before, I never repeat myself.

I’m not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change.

Thank you, my arms, for always being there by my side.

What did the electrician say when he got shocked?
That hertz.

If procrastionation was an Olympic sport, I’d compete in it later.

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned: couldn’t concentrate.

What did the buffalo say to his son? Bison

My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said “No wait, I can change!”

What do the movies titanic and the sixth sense have in common.
Icy dead people.

Atheists don’t solve exponential equations because they don’t believe in higher powers.

Age is just the number of hours I’m hungover for.

What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you? Pull the pin and throw it back.