Why did the chicken go to a séance? To communicate with the other side

I went to a zoo in China last month, all they had in it was a small fluffy dog.
It was a Shitzu.

I can guess your blood type.
Its Red.

A joke is like sex. Neither is any good if you don’t get it.

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards?
A receding hare-line

I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.

I went bobsleighing the other day, killed 250 bobs.

I was in a bar when a waitress shouted “ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I said “I know the whole alphabet!”.
Everyone laughed, except this one guy.

I don’t need a hot tub. I prefer a mildly attractive tub with a great sense of humor and a good job

My cats gonna sh** when he sees his new litter box I got him for Christmas.

At any given moment the urge to sing, “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” is just a whim away. A whim away. A whim away.

I asked the librarian if they had any books on paranoia?
She whispered, “They’re behind you”.

A guy just threw milk at me… How dairy?!

When a deaf person sees someone yawn do they think it’s a scream?

Our vet is great. If you take your dog in and you have pet insurance, they give you a courtesy dog for the day.

There are only 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary and those who don’t

I’ve recently quit my job as a butler.

I refuse to be ordered around in that manor.

Thanks for explaining the word “many” to me, it means a lot

“Your finest Scotch, please.” “Yes, sir,” the guy at Officeworks says as he hands me a 12 year old roll of tape.