I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.
not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

Do not argue with an idiot. They will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.

What does Batman put in his drink?

Just Ice

I used to be in a band, we were called ‘lost dog’. You probably saw our posters.

What’s long and hard and has cum in it?
A cucumber

Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e cigarette. When I woke up, the whole house was on the Internet

What’s brown and sounds like a bell? Dung!

Last night me and my wife watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV.

My wife asked me to join her for yoga class. I said “Namaste home”

Can’t believe they fired me from the clock factory after all the extra hours I put in

My wife’s mad because I paid for my dope out of our joint account. I thought that was why we had it.

I’m great at multitasking.
I can waste time, be unproductive and procrastinate all at once!

What do you call a Mexican with a vasectomy?
A dry Martinez

Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever thought about your X and wondered Y?

Times New Roman walks into a bar. The barman says “Get out of here! We don’t serve your type.”

My wife and I always compromise. I admit I’m wrong and she agrees with me.

What did the tree say to autumn? Leaf me alone.

How Long is a Chinese man’s name.

No, it actually is.

What’s the advantage of living in Switzerland? Well the flag is a big plus