Two blondes are facing each other across a wide stream.
One yells to the other, ‘How do you get to the other side?’
The other blonde replies, ‘You are on the other side!’

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

Why don’t cannibals eat clowns? They taste funny..

What is the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don’t know, and I don’t care.

My annual performance review says I lack “passion & intensity”, guess management hasn’t seen me alone with a Big Mac.

I am frustrated than a dragon trying to blow out candles.

What does a thesaurus eat for breakfast?
Synonym rolls

My ex-wife is standing at the opposite end of the museum from me. I want to say hello but there’s just too much history between us.

A Chinese kid was born before the due date.
Parents named him Sudden Lee.

Why did the snowman smile?
Because the snowblower was coming

A Spanish magician wanted to do a trick. He covered himself with a blanket and counted “Uno… dos…” and he vanished without a tres

I asked my wife “What do you want me to do with this big roll of bubble wrap?”
She said “Just pop it in the corner”.
It took me 4 hours.

Heard about the new restaurant called Karma?
There’s no menu – you get what you deserve

How did the farmer find his wife?

He tractor down.

I am so poor I can’t even pay attention.

I wasn’t particularly close to my dad before he died…
Which was lucky, because he trod on a landmine.

I miss my umbilical cord. Must have grown attached to it

If I get interviewed by a police sketch artist, my only goal will be to see how far I get before he realizes I’m making him draw a pirate.

What’s long and hard and has cum in it?
A cucumber