“You haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?” always seems like a strange way for my wife to start a conversation.

What’s the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?

Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.

Celine Dion walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Those long face jokes are so mean. Let me buy you a drink”

A giraffe walks into a bar. “Sorry”, said the barman, “We don’t serve Heineken here.”

What do you call a guy with a rabbit up his butt?
Warren

Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I’m driving

There was a big paddle sale at the boat store.
It was quite an oar deal.

What do you call the security outside of a Samsung Store?
Guardians of the Galaxy.

Murphy’s law states anything that can go wrong will go wrong, but have you heard of Cole’s law? It’s finely sliced cabbage.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one – and let the other one off.

Where does Buzz Lightyear go furniture shopping at? Bed, Bath, and BEYOND!

Conjunctivitis.com: a site for sore eyes

What’s the difference between a golfer and a skydiver? A golfer goes *whack* “damn” and a skydiver goes “damn” *whack*

I was mugged by an acupuncturist yesterday – the mongrel stabbed me 236 times.
Mind you, when I woke up this morning I felt amazing.

Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
-Librarians arguing

My wife said that if I don’t get off my computer and do the dishes she’ll slam my head on the keyboard, but I think she’s jokinfjreoiwjrtwe4to8rkljreun8f4ny84c8y4t58lym4wthylmhawt4mylt4amlathnatyn

Why did the chicken go to a séance? To communicate with the other side