Welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous. I’m seeing a lot of new faces in the crowd this week and I have to say I’m really disappointed.

What do you call an academically successful slice of bread? An honor roll.

Have you heard about the cannibal that passed his brother in the forest?

A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.

My doctors office has two doctors on call at all times. Is that considered a pair a docs.

Shhh!
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-Librarians arguing

My wife says I’m hopeless at fixing appliances. Well, she’s in for a shock!

I’m not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humour.

How do you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch.

So after I won the game for our team I decided to throw the ball into the crowd like they do on T.V.
Apparently, that’s a no-no in bowling.

My wife told me “Sex is better on holiday”.
Worst postcard ever.

What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you? Pull the pin and throw it back.

When does a sandwich cook?
When it’s bakin lettuce and tomato

I work in a library. Literally, all we do is judge books by their covers.

Police are looking for a guy who threatens his victims with a lit match.
They need to catch him before he strikes again

It’s Jamaican hair style day at work tomorrow. I’m already dreading it.

You know you’re ugly when it comes to a group picture and they hand you the camera.

When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with the Monkees, I didn’t believe her. And then I saw her face