My wife said that if I don’t get off my computer and do the dishes she’ll slam my head on the keyboard, but I think she’s jokinfjreoiwjrtwe4to8rkljreun8f4ny84c8y4t58lym4wthylmhawt4mylt4amlathnatyn

My mate had a terrible accident at work. He fell into an industrial grinder. He’s fine now.

My ex-wife is standing at the opposite end of the museum from me. I want to say hello but there’s just too much history between us.

So this bloke just came up to me & said i’ve just spilt my scrabble set on the road. I asked “Whats the word on the street?”

You used asbestos in that wall?
That was asbestos I could do.

Doing things that you are not supposed to do at work makes your vision, hearing and alertness much better.

What did the sushi say to the bee?
Wasabi

Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
It got stuck in a crack

When clowns divorce there’s often a custardy battle

“Give it to me! Give it to me!” she yelled, “I’m so wet, give it to me now!” She could scream all she wanted to. I was keeping the umbrella.

What’s the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts?
Beer nuts are a $1.75, but deer nuts are under a buck.

What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One’s really heavy and the other is a little lighter

I can guess your blood type.
Its Red.

My mate had a terrible accident a while ago. He fell into an Upholstering Machine.

He’s fully recovered now though.

It’s been 2 days since I’ve had McDonald’s, I’m getting the shakes… and the fries.

I haven’t slept for three days, because that would be too long.

Several guys are sitting around having a drink and one guy says “My wife’s an angel” another guy says “Your lucky, mines still alive.”

An old man threw out his hip.. What a waist

Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals