I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning… gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.

What’s an epileptics favourite food? Seizure salad

What do squirrels give for Valentine’s Day? Forget-me-nuts.

What do you call a guy with a rabbit up his butt?
Warren

They say make up sex is the best…
Which is lucky, because all my sex is made up.

An old man threw out his hip.. What a waist

A Roman walks into a bar, sticks two fingers up to the barman and says, “Five beers please.”

My wife is leaving me because I’m going bald.

I’m not bothered, it’s hair loss.

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.

I would lose weight, but I hate losing.

What’s the opposite of Christopher Reeve?
Christopher Walken

How much did it cost for the pirate to get his ears pierced?.

A buccaneer

Did you hear about the chameleon that couldn’t change colour? He had a reptile dysfunction

Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl in the toilet? Because it has a silent p

My wife said that if I don’t get off my computer and do the dishes she’ll slam my head on the keyboard, but I think she’s jokinfjreoiwjrtwe4to8rkljreun8f4ny84c8y4t58lym4wthylmhawt4mylt4amlathnatyn

What part of your body likes to get frisky?
The naked eye

Someone told me my clothes looked gay..
They did come out of the closet this morning.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.

What is the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don’t know, and I don’t care.