I’ve been reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down

I’m pretty sober.
But I’m prettier drunk

What does a baby computer call his dad?
Data

What do you call a midget psychic who just escaped from prison? A small medium at large

If iron man and the silver surfer team up, they’ll be alloys

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

You know you’re ugly when it comes to a group picture and they hand you the camera.

Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.

A termite walks into a bar and says “where’s the bar tender”

Why are teddy bears never hungry?
Because they’re stuffed

I hate peer pressure and you should too.

Why shouldn’t you make fun of a paleontologist? Because you will get Jurasskicked.

I’m the kind of guy who stops the microwave at 1 second just to feel like a bomb defuser.

My cousin drowned. At his funeral we laid a life jacket on his coffin.
It’s what he would have wanted.

What do you call a king’s fart?
Noble gas.

Why did Santa’s helper get depressed?
He had low elf esteem

I once thanked a French guy to death. It was a merci killing.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs lying in your fireplace?
Bernie

I saw a bishop the other day. Wondered why he wasn’t walking diagonally

What’s Michael Jackson’s favourite painting?
Sha-Mona Lisa