What do you call somebody with body and just a nose? Nobody nose!

I just read a book about Stockholm syndrome. It was pretty bad at first but by the end I kinda liked it

There’s no “i” in denial

What do dinosaurs pay their bills with?
Tyrannosaurus Cheques

I’m not passive aggressive. Unlike some people.

What does it take to make an octopus laugh?
Ten tickles

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.

“Give it to me! Give it to me!” she yelled, “I’m so wet, give it to me now!” She could scream all she wanted to. I was keeping the umbrella.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds

It’d be frustrating if you seriously couldn’t find your friend Marco at a crowded swimming pool.

The Man Who Created Autocorrect Has Died. Resturant In Peace.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one – and let the other one off.

Why don’t the melons get married? Because they cantaloupe

Why can’t you take inventory in Afghanistan?
Because of the tally ban

Where does Buzz Lightyear go furniture shopping at? Bed, Bath, and BEYOND!

PMS jokes aren’t funny. Period.

My doctors office has two doctors on call at all times. Is that considered a pair a docs.

I had amnesia once – maybe twice.

If we get rid of all the margarine the world will be a butter place.

What do vegan dogs eat? Bark