I’m here for whatever you need me to do… from the couch.

What do you call a guy with a car on his head?
Jack

Why did the Mexican throw his wife off a bridge?
Tequila

What do you call someone who sells their body for a bowl of spaghetti? A pastatute!

What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend? He wiped his bum.

My wife told me I was average, I think she’s mean.

Have you heard about the cannibal that passed his brother in the forest?

A giraffe walks into a bar and says, “The highballs are on me.”

Deja Moo – the feeling that you’ve heard this bull before

When he proposed to her. She found it very engaging.

Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’ Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’

Did you hear about the theme park ride made entirely out of iron?
It was a ferrous wheel

Got a universal remote for Father’s Day.
This changes everything!

Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher?
Couldn’t control his pupils

Took my dog to a bonfire and as he sat there staring at it blankly I realised he loves sticks. I was burning a giant pile of his toys.

It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally!

When Jay-Z got engaged, did he call her his Feyonce?

We need a 12-step group for compulsive talkers. They could call it On Anon Anon.