Why did the mobile phone need glasses?
It lost all its contacts

Why should you never trust a train?
They have loco motives

I hate gravity, it always gets me down

The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”
A time traveller walks into a bar.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

Something about subtraction just doesn’t add up

There was a man who entered a local paper’s pun contest.. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

I made a graph of my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.

I’m trying to write jokes about unemployed people, but they need more work

What’s E.T. short for?
He’s got little legs

I told my wife I was going to make a bike out of spaghetti. She couldn’t believe it when I rode pasta.

I broke a can opener. It’s a can’t opener now.

What do squirrels give for Valentine’s Day? Forget-me-nuts.

My mate had a terrible accident at work. He fell into an industrial grinder. He’s fine now.

I’m close friends with 25 letters of the alphabet, I don’t know y

An English man, an Irish man and an Italian walk into a bar. The bartender says “is this a joke?”

I would lose weight, but I hate losing.

What’s an epileptics favourite food? Seizure salad

What do you call an alcoholic Vampire?
Drunkcula

What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef