The other night I had a knife in one hand and a block of colby in the other…
I told the kids to leave the room before I cut the cheese.

My wife is complaining that I never buy her jewellery. To be fair, I didn’t even know she sold jewellery.

No deja vu please…
I don’t want to go through that again

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

My dad used to say “Always fight fire with fire.” Probably explains why he was thrown out of the fire brigade

When you have a bladder infection, urine trouble

Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection, except one. He’s never gonna give you Up

I have two boys, 5 and 6. We’re no good at naming things in our house.

What do you call a guy covered in leaves?
Russell

Why can’t you take inventory in Afghanistan?
Because of the tally ban

What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?

One’s a crusty bus station and the other a busty crustacean

They’re always telling me to live my dreams. But I don’t want to be naked in an exam I haven’t revised for!

What is Mozart doing right now? Decomposing.

My cross-eyed wife and I just got a divorce. We didn’t see eye to eye. I also found out she was seeing someone on the side.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says “Do you smell fish?”

What do people wear in a trench? Trench coats.

I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.