At breakfast this morning, my wife said she’s leaving me because of my obsession with Twitter.

I almost choked on my #Brown.

What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards?
A receding hare-line

A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic

This weight loss website wants me to accept cookies. Hmm…

When an employment application asks who is to be notified in case of emergency, I always write, “A very good doctor”

I used to be in a band, we were called ‘lost dog’. You probably saw our posters.

Where do pencils go on vacation? Pencilvania

My grandfather has the heart of a lion.
And a lifetime ban from the zoo

Wouldn’t exercise be more fun if calories screamed while you burned them?

What is invisible and smells like worms?
Bird farts

Why did the chicken go to a séance? To communicate with the other side

Waking up this morning was an eye-opening experience

You can’t run through a camping ground. You can only ran, because it’s past tents

Something about subtraction just doesn’t add up

I recently got a new Korean mechanic but it’s hard to understand him – he speaks with a Hyundai Accent!

One day I was at a park wondering why does a frisbee keep looking bigger the closer it gets to you. Then it hit me