The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”
A time traveller walks into a bar.

My party trick is swallowing two peices of string and an hour later they come out of my arse tied together. I shit you knot.

Build a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.

What do you call a wandering caveman? A meanderthal.

Today a girl said she recognized me from vegetarian club, but I’m sure I’ve never met herbivore.

I went bobsleighing the other day, killed 250 bobs.

He’s street smart. Sesame Street smart.

I once thanked a French guy to death. It was a merci killing.

A bartender walks into a church, a temple and a mosque. He has no idea how jokes work.

When he proposed to her. She found it very engaging.

What’s the opposite of Christopher Reeve?
Christopher Walken

I got banned from the secret cooking society… For spilling the beans.

I’m here for whatever you need me to do… from the couch.

How does a whale defend itself?
With a swordfish

30 seconds left on the microwave.
Women: set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone.
Men: do the space shuttle countdown.

I poured root beer into a square glass.
Now I just have beer

I thought I had a Japanese friend, but it was just my imagine asian

And the best neckwear award goes to…
Oh wait. It’s a tie.