They’re always telling me to live my dreams. But I don’t want to be naked in an exam I haven’t revised for!

Blonde: “What does IDK mean?”

Brunette: “I don’t know.”

Blonde: “OMG, nobody does!”

What do ducks wear to weddings? Duxedos

My wife’s been staring through the window ever since it started snowing. If it gets any worse, I’ll have to let her in.

If we get rid of all the margarine the world will be a butter place.

My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are. But I laugh more.

My wife says I’m immature. I told her to get out of my fort

What kind of bees make milk?
Boobies

I’ve recently quit my job as a butler.

I refuse to be ordered around in that manor.

My wife says I’m too impulsive. But what the hell does she know? She only met me yesterday.

Someone says to his friend: “I bought a cat” And the other: “You have to be kitten me!”

How does the solar system hold up its trousers? With an asteroid belt

What do you call a king’s fart?
Noble gas.

I, for one, like Roman numerals

I really hate those people who knock at your door and tell you how you need to be ‘saved’ or you’ll ‘burn.’
Stupid firemen.

What did the NSA analyst say to his co-worker when their female colleague walked past?
“I’d tap that”

Hedgehogs — why can’t they just share the hedge

My ex-wife has lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don’t know what she charges him.