I was in a bar when a waitress shouted “ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I said “I know the whole alphabet!”.
Everyone laughed, except this one guy.

A woman goes into a bar and asks for a “double entendre”. So the bartender gave her one.

There are only 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary and those who don’t

I’m not passive aggressive. Unlike some people.

What did the NSA analyst say to his co-worker when their female colleague walked past?
“I’d tap that”

When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.

When you swim in a creek and an eel bites your cheek, that’s a moray.

What part of your body likes to get frisky?
The naked eye

Woke up on the ground last night, must have fell asleep​.

What happened to the cannibal that was late to dinner?
He was given the cold shoulder

My wifi has stopped working. Turns out our neighbours hadn’t paid the bill. Tightarses.

1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It’s either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it’s Colin.

I hate those stupid little Russian nesting dolls

they’re so full of themselves

I wasn’t particularly close to my dad before he died…
Which was lucky, because he trod on a landmine.

My wife asked me to join her for yoga class. I said “Namaste home”

Once I found out masturbating was an addiction, I just knew that I had no choice but to beat it.

I would give my right arm to be ambidextrous!

The invisible man and invisible woman had children… they weren’t much to look at

A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair.

Fixing broken windows is a pane in the glass.