I couldn’t work out how to fasten my seatbelt. Then it clicked.

Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.

Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I’m driving

I gave all my dead batteries away today…
free of charge

How do you get a man with only one arm out of a tree? Wave.

What’s long and hard and has cum in it?
A cucumber

A Russian spy, a sexual predator, and a billionaire walk into a bar. The bartender says, “What can I get you, Mr. President?”

I had an argument with one of the seven dwarfs. He wasn’t happy

I called the cops about a murder on my front lawn.
They said they couldn’t do anything about crows and to stop calling them.

How do you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch.

I can only tell you a bad chemistry joke because all the good ones Argon

An opinion without 3.14159 is just an onion.

What’s Michael Jackson’s favourite painting?
Sha-Mona Lisa

“Your finest Scotch, please.” “Yes, sir,” the guy at Officeworks says as he hands me a 12 year old roll of tape.

I felt so bad today…I saw this sad dog without a tail. Luckily, his owner was taking him to the retail store.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.
not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one – and let the other one off.

When life gives you melons, you’re probably dyslexic.

I did a theatrical performance on puns.
It was a play on words.