I mean – I appreciate that my friends are doing their best to cheer me up after my diagnosis, but I’ve heard so many cancer jokes today – if I get to hear just tumor I’ll really get mad.

What’s the difference between voyeurs and thieves? Thieves snatch your watch.

What is invisible and smells like worms?
Bird farts

I broke my finger last week. On the other hand, I’m okay

So this guy with a premature ejaculation problem comes out of nowhere

What do you call a king’s fart?
Noble gas.

I’m going to stand outside, so if anyone asks I’m outstanding.

My party trick is swallowing two peices of string and an hour later they come out of my arse tied together. I shit you knot.

Where did Mary go after the explosion?
Everywhere

I went on a once in a lifetime holiday. Never again.

Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
It got stuck in a crack

PMS should just be called ovary-acting

Atheists don’t solve exponential equations because they don’t believe in higher powers.

White boards are remarkable

People are making end of the world jokes like there is no tomorrow.

I went to a zoo in China last month, all they had in it was a small fluffy dog.
It was a Shitzu.

Woke up on the ground last night, must have fell asleep​.

I’m hosting a marathon for people with chronic diarrhea. It’s a run for the runs

I’m here for whatever you need me to do… from the couch.