I went bobsleighing the other day, killed 250 bobs.

I like European food so I decided to Russia over there because I was Hungary. After Czech’ing the menu I ordered Turkey. When I was Finnished I told the waiter ‘Spain good but there is Norway I could eat another bite’.

My wife broke up with me because of my gambling. All I can think of is how to win her back.

I threw an Asian man down a flight of stairs. It was Wong on so many levels.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

How many Freudians does it take to change a light bulb? Sex.

Impotence: Nature’s way of saying “No hard feelings”.

How do you count cows? With a cowculater.

Why does a chicken coop have 2 doors?

Because if it had 4 doors it would be called chicken sedan.

Somebody ripped a whole bunch of pages out of my dictionary. It just goes from bad to worse

Took my dog to a bonfire and as he sat there staring at it blankly I realised he loves sticks. I was burning a giant pile of his toys.

What do you call an alligator wearing a vest? An investigator.

What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards?
A receding hare-line

I’m not lazy… I’m just on my energy saving mode.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it?
A waist of time

I imagine a handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.

I was playing Frisbee with my dog in the park today, but it didn’t go well.
I think I need to get a flatter dog.

What do you call a three-legged donkey? A wonkey.

A donkey fell into a bowl of sugar. Now that’s a sweet ass!!

I’ve found a job helping a one armed typist do capital letters.
It’s shift work.