Last night me and my wife watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV.

What’s the difference between a well dressed man on a bike and a poorly dressed man on a unicycle?

Attire

Why do blondes tip-toe past medicine cabinets?
So they don’t wake up the sleeping pills

Did you know I was bilingual? Yeah I speak English and profanity

A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s: She changes it more often.

One day you’re the next best thing to sliced bread.
The next, you’re toast.

It’s Jamaican hair style day at work tomorrow. I’m already dreading it.

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

A steak pun is a rare medium well done

Do not argue with an idiot. They will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned: couldn’t concentrate.

I’m going on a blind date tonight. I hope our Labradors get on.

My wife’s been staring through the window ever since it started snowing. If it gets any worse, I’ll have to let her in.

What did one lumber jack say to another lumber jack?
“I need to axe you a question”

Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France? There was nothing left but de Brie.

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocaine during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication

Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’ Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’

Our cat was just sick on the carpet. I don’t think its feline well.

Your mammas not fat. She’s just… easier to see

My speech today will be like a mini-skirt. Long enough to cover the essentials but short enough to hold your attention!