I am so poor I can’t even pay attention.

Wanted to tell you a joke about tv controllers but it’s not even remotely funny

If you could rehydrate those raisins, that’d be grapes.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds

37 consonants, 25 vowels, a question mark, and a comma went to court.
They will be sentenced next Friday.

Did you hear about the man who jumped off a bridge in France? He was in Sein.

Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher?
Couldn’t control his pupils

When clowns divorce there’s often a custardy battle

Where did Mary go after the explosion?
Everywhere

You used asbestos in that wall?
That was asbestos I could do.

The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray was a seasoned veteran

How do you drown a hipster?
Throw him into the mainstream

I’m the kind of guy who stops the microwave at 1 second just to feel like a bomb defuser.

How many Freudians does it take to change a light bulb? Sex.

Why can’t you take inventory in Afghanistan?
Because of the tally ban

Someone threw a bottle of Omega-3 pills at me. Luckily, my injuries were only super fish oil.

Fishermen are reel men.

A Roman walks into a bar, sticks two fingers up to the barman and says, “Five beers please.”

At an interview:
First question: “Describe yourself in 3 words”
Me: “Not good with numbers”.