Someone told me my clothes looked gay..
They did come out of the closet this morning.

I stayed up all night to find out where the sun went, then it dawned on me…

My wife asked me to bring home stuff for the pancakes. She wasn’t happy when I arrived with a push-up bra.

I’ve decided to sell my Hoover … well, it was just collecting dust

What’s it like being in a vacuum cleaner? It sucks

Thieves had broken into my house and stolen everything except my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant.
Dirty Bastards.

What do you call a three-legged donkey? A wonkey.

I went bobsleighing the other day, killed 250 bobs.

Is it bad to tell knock knock jokes to homeless people?

I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

I just saw a sign that made me wet myself.
It said “Bathroom Closed”.

Currently the flower business is blooming.

I mustache you a question but I’ll Shave it for later

I was hooked on auctions after only going once… going twice.

I asked my wife for “something Cuban” for my birthday, and she got me a Che Guevara shirt.

Clothes, but no cigar.

If you spent your day in a well, can you say your day was well-spent?

There was a big paddle sale at the boat store.
It was quite an oar deal.

I got a photo with R.E.M
That’s me in the corner

I don’t mind kids playing hopscotch in most places, but my driveway is where I draw the line.