If I get interviewed by a police sketch artist, my only goal will be to see how far I get before he realizes I’m making him draw a pirate.

Why was the thermometer smarter than the graduated cylinder?
He had more degrees

What do you call dental x-rays?
Tooth pics

Living on earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip around the sun.

What’s the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?

Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.

Pick up line: “Are you a beaver because damn!”

There was a snake crossing a highway and a truck ran over its ass. The snake went back to get its ass and a truck ran over its head. The moral of the story is, “Don’t lose your head over a piece of ass.”

A guy goes to a doctor because he’s got a strawberry growing out of his chest. The doctor looks and examines and finally says, “Let me give you some cream to put on it.”

Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.

Two dyslexics walk into a bra…

Whenever I pass someone texting and driving, I throw my beer at their window

Murphy’s law states anything that can go wrong will go wrong, but have you heard of Cole’s law? It’s finely sliced cabbage.

“Children are like a sponge at this age,” I said as I used my neighbour’s toddler to wipe up my beer that he spilled.

What kind of exercise do lazy people do? Diddly-squats.

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying

A man who loves Sherlock Holmes novels and puns names his dog Furlock. One day, he takes his dog out to town with him and stops in a little boutique. He brings his dog in with him and tries on a shirt. To his dismay, it isn’t the right size. He looks at his dog and says “No fit, Furlock.“

There’s a new shaver designed for dyslexics.
It’s the best thing since sliced beard.

They say make up sex is the best…
Which is lucky, because all my sex is made up.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humour.