The rotation of earth really makes my day.

If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup technically a smoothie?

What kind of exercise do lazy people do? Diddly-squats.

I’m in awe. My buddy just used a snail as a key to start up his sedan…

It made escargot.

Did you hear about the theme park ride made entirely out of iron?
It was a ferrous wheel

Tennis players grunt too much when they play.
There’s no need for all that racquet

I’ve found a job helping a one armed typist do capital letters.
It’s shift work.

No deja vu please…
I don’t want to go through that again

Fixing broken windows is a pane in the glass.

Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.

One day you’re the next best thing to sliced bread.
The next, you’re toast.

A bill collector came to my house the other day, so I gave him a huge stack of old bills

Got a universal remote for Father’s Day.
This changes everything!

When my wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo I had to put my foot down

My wife told me “Sex is better on holiday”.
Worst postcard ever.

Did you hear about the man who jumped off a bridge in France? He was in Sein.

I lost my licence so I bought a vintage Rolls Royce because I thought it came with a driver. It didn’t. So I spent all that money and I’ve got nothing to chauffeur it.

My wife says I can join your gang but I have to be home by 9.