What is invisible and smells like worms?
Bird farts

I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again

Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e cigarette. When I woke up, the whole house was on the Internet

Let’s hope the new Jurassic world movie isn’t a train Rex of a film.

Where does seaweed look for a job?
in the kelp-wanted ads

What do you call a bee with a low buzz?
A mumblebee

I can only tell you a bad chemistry joke because all the good ones Argon

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram

Hung a picture up on the wall the other day. Nailed it.

Hedgehogs — why can’t they just share the hedge

What religion are baby cows? Calf-lic.

If procrastionation was an Olympic sport, I’d compete in it later.

At what age do you think it’s appropriate to tell a highway it’s adopted?

“Give it to me! Give it to me!” she yelled, “I’m so wet, give it to me now!” She could scream all she wanted to. I was keeping the umbrella.

What do you call a woman standing in the middle of a tennis court?

Anette

Why do blondes tip-toe past medicine cabinets?
So they don’t wake up the sleeping pills

“No, thanks. I’m a vegetarian.” is a fun thing to say when someone hands you their baby.