#87
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.
#839
The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn’t talking to me.
#742
Someone says to his friend: “I bought a cat” And the other: “You have to be kitten me!”
#9
How did the hipster burn his tongue?
He drank his coffee before it was cool
#189
A woman goes into a bar and asks for a “double entendre”. So the bartender gave her one.
#770
What do you call a bird who drinks too much?
An owlcoholic
#103
My ex-wife has lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don’t know what she charges him.
#794
What do you call a snake that is 3.14 metres long?
A pi-thon
#821
Need a boat to hold all of that stuff?
I noah guy
#610
What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium
#191
A horse walks into a bar, across the room, up the back wall, across the ceiling, down the front wall and then up to the bar. The bartender gives the horse a beer, he drinks it and leaves. A guy sitting at the bar looks perplexed and asks the bartender “Hey, what’s that all about?” The bartender replies, “Don’t take it personally, he never says ‘Hi’ to anyone.”
#182
A giraffe walks into a bar. “Sorry”, said the barman, “We don’t serve Heineken here.”
#747
Claustrophobic people are more productive thinking out of the box.
#178
An atheist, a vegan and a Crossfitter walk into a bar. I only know because they told everyone within the first three minutes.
#156
What do you call a three-legged donkey? A wonkey.
#567
How do you drown a hipster?
Throw him into the mainstream
#233
I still remember the day the scented candle shop I worked at burned to the ground.
Everyone was so calm…..
#309
A Buddhist monk approaches a hot dog stand and says “make me one with everything”
#514
The Lord of the Rings is basically about a group that spends nine hours returning jewellery
#898
Why did Santa’s helper get depressed?
He had low elf esteem