When I think of books, I touch my shelf.

Someone says to his friend: “I bought a cat” And the other: “You have to be kitten me!”

How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
You look for the fresh prints

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, “A beer please, and one for the road.”

The thing about dwarfs and midgets is that they have very little in common

Lets have a toast for the bread winners!

An African-American guy and a Mexican guy opened a restaurant. It’s called Nacho Mama.

I’m trying to write jokes about unemployed people, but they need more work

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball? Juan on Juan

Deja Moo – the feeling that you’ve heard this bull before

Puts the car into reverse.
“Ah, this takes me back”

Wanna hear a potassium joke?
K

If a stranger offers you a piece of candy…take two.

My doctor took one look at my gut and refused to believe that I work out. So I listed the exercises I do every day: jump to conclusions, climb the walls, drag my heels, push my luck, make mountains out of molehills, bend over backward, run around in circles, put my foot in my mouth, go over the edge, and beat around the bush.

I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I’ve ever seen.

I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It’s Hans free

Me: Go to sleep before the monsters get you.
Daughter: Monsters aren’t real.
Me: You sound like your sister.
Daughter: Sister?
Me: I’ve said too much already…

The year 2020 is going to be filled with so many puns about perfect vision

I can just see it now.

I’m having an introvert party and you’re all not invited.