I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.

My wife isn’t talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday.
I’m not sure how I did that – I didn’t even know it was her birthday

Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.

Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours? Because it said ‘concentrate’.

What do vegan dogs eat? Bark

A giraffe walks into a bar. “Sorry”, said the barman, “We don’t serve Heineken here.”

Why shouldn’t you make fun of a paleontologist? Because you will get Jurasskicked.

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.

The only dates I get these days are software updates

Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’ Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’

What is the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don’t know, and I don’t care.

What do you call the security outside of a Samsung Store?
Guardians of the Galaxy.

I’ve bought my son a huge wooden horse for Christmas.

I got it from ‘Troys R Us.’

What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend? He wiped his bum.

I’m hosting a marathon for people with chronic diarrhea. It’s a run for the runs

Yo mamma is so fat that when she sat on a laptop, the hardware turned into software!

Say what you want about deaf people…

What kind of bees make milk?
Boobies