How do you get down from an elephant?
You don’t. You get down from a goose

People used to laugh at me when I would say “I want to be a comedian”, well nobody’s laughing now.

What do you call a lady with one leg?
Eileen

Where do fish work? The offish.

What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One’s really heavy and the other is a little lighter

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Put it in the microwave until it’s Bill Withers.

I dreamt I was swimming in an orange ocean last night. It was just a Fanta sea

You can’t run through a camping ground. You can only ran, because it’s past tents

Wouldn’t exercise be more fun if calories screamed while you burned them?

My friend just got a job at the zoo, circumcising elephants. The pay isn’t great but he gets huge tips.

My wife broke up with me because of my gambling. All I can think of is how to win her back.

The seven dwarfs were in the bath feeling happy so he got out.

What does a panda ghost eat? Bam-BOO!

What do you call it when Batman skips church? Christian Bale.

I don’t get people who stumble into mirrors. They need to watch themselves.

What’s brown and sounds like a bell? Dung!

My dad was dyslexic. Whenever I swore when growing up, he’d wash my mouth out with soup.

My wife’s mad because I paid for my dope out of our joint account. I thought that was why we had it.