Why did the Mexican throw his wife off a bridge?
Tequila

I was in a bar when a waitress shouted “ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I said “I know the whole alphabet!”.
Everyone laughed, except this one guy.

My girlfriend left me because she couldn’t handle my OCD. I told her to close the door five times on her way out.

What do you call a guy with a rabbit up his butt?
Warren

What do PCs and air conditioners have in common?
They both become useless when you open windows

When you have a bladder infection, urine trouble

I should have been sad when my flashlight batteries died, but I was delighted.

There are so many scams on the Internet these days…. but for $19.95 I can show you how to avoid them.

It’d be frustrating if you seriously couldn’t find your friend Marco at a crowded swimming pool.

Why don’t the melons get married? Because they cantaloupe

I poured root beer into a square glass.
Now I just have beer

What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot

A woman goes into a bar and asks for a “double entendre”. So the bartender gave her one.

“Give me a sentence about a public servant” the teacher instructed her second-grade student.
“The fireman came down the ladder pregnant” he answered.
“Umm … Do you know what pregnant means?”
“Yes” said the boy. “It means carrying a child”

White boards are remarkable

I may not be getting lucky tonight, but I’m definitely banging my snooze button in the morning.

Can’t believe they fired me from the clock factory after all the extra hours I put in

What do you call Watson when Sherlock isn’t around? Holmeless.

Nobody’s perfect. I’m a nobody.