What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef

How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
You look for the fresh prints

I’m not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.
not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

I told my wife she drew her eyebrows on too high. She looked surprised.

A hungry traveller stops at a monastery and is taken to the kitchens. A brother is frying chips. ‘Are you the friar?’ he asks. ‘No. I’m the chip monk,’ he replies.

I met a one-legged woman outside of a club the other day. She was a bouncer.

I remember last summer I was so excited when the water restrictions were lifted I wet my plants.

I have six eyes, two mouths and three ears. What am I? Ugly

Why does a chicken coop have 2 doors?

Because if it had 4 doors it would be called chicken sedan.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one – and let the other one off.

A giraffe walks into a bar. “Sorry”, said the barman, “We don’t serve Heineken here.”

1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It’s either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it’s Colin.

You know it’s cold outside when you go outside and its cold

So this bloke just came up to me & said i’ve just spilt my scrabble set on the road. I asked “Whats the word on the street?”

I had the most amazing orange the other day

It was a class above the zest

Did you hear about the theme park ride made entirely out of iron?
It was a ferrous wheel